


I may be troubled but I'm gracious in defeat

by PryingBlackbird



Series: Cultivate a space for the things that hurt you most [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bittersweet, Blumentrio, Collective trauma, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Guilt, Healing, Implied/Referenced Torture, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Poly-Blumentrio, Regret, Temporary Character Death, Torture, a hint of shadowgast, much hurt/little comfort, post-ep108, silver lining, smut in chapter 7, spoilers up to ep108
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29227542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PryingBlackbird/pseuds/PryingBlackbird
Summary: The Dynasty has caught another scourger, and this time it’s someone Caleb knows. His past catches up to him as he agrees to help an old friend in need.
Relationships: Astrid/Caleb Widogast, Astrid/Eodwulf/Bren Aldric Ermendrud, Astrid/Eodwulf/Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: Cultivate a space for the things that hurt you most [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2179128
Comments: 46
Kudos: 107





	1. The Wolf in Your Darkest Room

**Author's Note:**

> SETTING: This takes place after the Rumblecusp arc and before everything that happens after. For my story I just assume they take a longer break after Travelercon and go about their own business for a while, before finally reassembling in Rexxentrum. There will be brief mentions of the M9 but this story heavily focuses on the Blumentrio and Essek. 
> 
> SPOILERS: I might use some minor details I learned about the characters in the episodes after 108, but I won’t put in major spoilers that go beyond episode 108.
> 
> TW: There will be descriptions of torture, there will be a character death (it’s temporary though, thank the gods), there will be tons of angst and heartbreak and regret and stories about their fucked up past and how the trio broke apart. Poly-Blumentrio is totally a thing in my head-canon so there will be a bit of NSFW content, but mainly just hinted at and not really explicit, although that might change in later chapters, if so I will point it out. 
> 
> I also assume the Blumendrei will talk Zemnian with each other whenever they are alone, but I will not mark it specifically or point it out, except maybe for the occasional German word thrown in there. If you think I should mark when they are speaking Zemnian, please drop me a comment. 
> 
> The source for some of the descriptions of places and buildings is The Explorer's Guide to Wildemount. The title of the story comes from the song "In Dreams" by Ben Howard and the title of the first chapter references the song "The Wolf in your Darkest Room" by Matthew Mayfield
> 
> I think that's all for now. 
> 
> This is going to be a dark and painful mess. Just the way I like it. Without further ado, let's jump in.

**********

Caleb is about to finish reading his book when a voice interrupts him in the middle of a sentence. For a moment he is only mildly annoyed, expecting it to be Jester checking in on him, as always with meticulous timing. But it’s not Jester’s voice that reaches his ear. 

_“Meet me in an hour at the The Broken Stool. We need to talk. It is urgent. Don’t try to run. I will find you.”_

The voice is familiar and his heart beats faster suddenly. His scars itch and a shiver runs down his spine. He has to forcefully stop himself from starting to hyperventilate and scratch at his arms. He is painfully aware of everyone around him, he does not want anyone to notice his distress. He calms his breathing, closes his eyes for a moment. Finally he is able to phrase a reply. 

_“I will be there.”_

He tries to go back to reading, to simply distract himself, but he has lost all concentration and one of his favorite pastimes suddenly is sucked dry of every joy. His mind is racing. Feeling crestfallen he returns all of the books to their shelves, collects his notes and leaves the library. The young dwarf on front desk duty gives him a friendly nod as he walks past. After some initial difficulties he has started to build a good relationship with the librarians. It has certainly helped that he has shown up alone two weeks ago and his chaotic friends did not set foot into the building again.

The architecture of the Vellum Steeple still intrigues him. The glittering tower of blue marble ascending into the rock above possesses an otherworldly beauty, especially with the stained glass windows, with intricate patterns of red and yellow. There is also the beautiful garden of subterranean plants that surrounds it. And the generous interior filled with more books than even he could hope to read in his lifetime. He looks at the building for a moment longingly, then sighs and turns away.

The city itself is also a thing of wonder, spiralling down inside the mountain, displaying stone, ruddy iron, polished marble, and cold subterranean waterfalls lit by ever-burning pyres. It creates a seemingly endless maze of chambers, halls, workshops and plazas. The streets are always busy. Deep down in the vertical pit the city was built around, precious metals are brought up from the rock of the mountain, transported up into the higher levels and carefully crafted into tools, weapons, jewelry… Most people who live here work in the various branches of the mining industry. A lot of them are also skilled hunters and trackers, used to the extreme conditions outside the city gates. The wildlands surrounding the underground stronghold are brutally cold and battered by cutting winds. The people of Uthodurn hunt and track in bursts, like sudden flurries of snow stalking the wild bison and goats around the city in droves, driving them into each other’s arms. Just three days ago was such a hunting day, and in the evening the successful party of skilled and hardened individuals returning home with their prey were cheered and celebrated at the main gate. 

It’s the only city in Wildemount where Elves and Dwarves have built a thriving society together. He has grown fond of this place in the last two weeks he spent here, appreciating the hard working and dedicated citizens that populate it. 

He knows that there are dark and dangerous places in the lower layers of the city, but that does not concern him up here. 

It is a bit easier to breathe in the fresh air outside and he just walks around for a while, taking in the hustle and bustle of the city around him. The cacophony of hammers ringing on anvils, rattling wagons, haggling merchants and playing children helps him to gather his thoughts a bit. His surprise visitor has selected a public space in broad daylight, presumably to assure him it’s not a trap he is being led into. He appreciates the thought, but it doesn’t really help against the fear that is burning in his chest like ice. He also knows that not going isn’t really an option. He will survive this. He survived worse. He counts down every minute and tries to brace himself. 

Finally his feet take him to the agreed meeting place, exactly an hour after he received the message. The Broken Stool is a two-story inn with comfortable rooms and a tavern underneath. He steps into the inn. The tavern floor is wide and from the 15 tables scattered throughout only a handful are occupied. Later in the day miners will crowd the place enjoying their after work ale, but right now it’s quiet. 

The man he is meeting is easy to spot, in a place filled with just a handful of dwarves and elves he sticks out. He has a half empty mug of beer in front of him and scans the room, nodding in his direction when his eyes wander to the door. Caleb walks over to him and slips onto the bench next to him, not wanting to have his back turned towards the room and the door. It is strange to see him here in this environment. For a while they just sit there, not looking at each other. Caleb has no idea how to navigate this situation. He has been surrounded by a chaotic bunch of extroverts for too long, he can always count on them to break uncomfortable silences usually. But not right here. So he just sits there and waits. There was a time when words would come easy to him between the two of them. He is not the foolish young man he once was though. Right now he just feels tired and afraid. Afraid of the reason of this strange meeting in this city of all places. 

“They have taken her.” Eadwulf says into the silence after a while, without any preamble. “She was on a mission in the Dynasty and we lost contact. We’re pretty sure at this point that they caught and imprisoned her.”

Caleb needs a moment to stomach this news. He immediately feels sick, he wants to scratch his scars but is painfully aware of Eadwulf’s cold gaze watching his every movement. So he just digs his fingernails into his palms and leaves it at that. “Why are you telling me about this?” he finally asks, turning around to really face his old schoolmate for the first time since he got here. Dark brown eyes meeting blue. The tension between them could probably be cut with a knife. 

“You are a hero of the Dynasty, are you not? You have influence in high places? Insight? Means of travel?” Eadwulf’s voice is dead serious, there no trace of mockery. 

“It’s… It’s not that easy. Even though we did a great service to the Dynasty doesn’t mean they will just hand us over a scourger they caught.” His mind wanders back to a figure chained to a chair. To a piece of metal jammed into his neck when the figure got loose. To the crunching sound of bones and tendons being crushed and snapped. He shudders. He has been so scared back then to see a familiar face in that cell. Did this nightmare become true now? He is about to hyperventilate again and the stuffy air of the inn isn’t helping. “Let’s take a walk.” he presses out and rises from the table. Eadwulf follows him outside and they fall into step next to each other. Caleb looks straight ahead, but he can feel the gaze of the man next to him staring at him intently. 

“I have tried to achieve something, anything for a while now. But they have written her off as a lost cause, not thinking she’s worth it risking the fragile peace between the nations over. You know how it is. Occupational hazard and all of that. Our life for the empire.” There is a hint of bitterness. 

Caleb doesn’t know how to respond . He is not surprised by the Empire just cutting their losses like that, but Eadwulf’s words still hurt. _Our life for the Empire._

Slowly he nods. “I see.” he replies eventually. 

“Don’t get me wrong Bren, dying for the empire is the noblest thing one could do and we agreed to that a long time ago. But…” his voice drifts off. Caleb could hear his teeth grinding and glanced over, seeing the muscles of his jaw working violently. He just waits. He knows that it sometimes took a while for Eadwulf to finish verbalizing his thoughts. Turning over words in his head until their order satisfied him enough. And his memory doesn’t fail him. After a couple of minutes he continues talking. 

“She is everything I have Bren.” Eadwulf stops and grips his upper arm, fingers digging in painfully. He forces Caleb to turn around and face him. Look him in the eye. “Everything I have left after you…” _abandoned us_ . The words hang in the air between them, unspoken. He lifts his other hand, the hand that isn’t giving him a bruise right now, and rubs at his eyes for a moment. Then he cups Caleb’s cheek with it. He feels the calloused fingertips and remembers how soft they have been several lifetimes ago, when his world had still been intact. He allows himself to close his eyes for the shortest of moment, leaning into the touch ever so slightly. He feels tears well up in his eyes and angrily blinks them away. He feels small and helpless in the presence of the past he has run from for so long. There is nowhere to hide now. “If she ever meant anything to you Ermendrud, you _will_ help me. You owe it to her.” And then he let’s go of him and steps back, leaving him feeling cold and lonely. The few feet that separate them feels like an unbreachable abyss. Caleb’s tongue is still tied, anxiety clawing at his lungs, stealing his air. He has a hard time collecting his thoughts, making sense of what is happening right now. Eadwulf doesn’t give him the time to come up with the right words. He knows that he has him exactly where he wants him. Pressed into a corner he cannot escape. 

“Meet me at the inn again tonight, I know you are staying there. And pack your things. We are going to Xhorhas.” He doesn’t wait for a response before he turns around and leaves without looking back. Caleb stumbles into the closest alleyway and pukes his guts out. 

**********

Time had lost all meaning, down here in the darkness. She has no idea how long she has been here or what time of day it is. Sleep comes in desperate waves, when her body can’t take it anymore and knocks her out even if her position is uncomfortable, even if she is in so much pain that it’s hard for her to breathe. When the hunger and the thirst become overwhelming and there is not enough liquid left in her body to cry. They bring her food and water occasionally, enough to make sure she will not die before they want her to. But not enough to make the hunger go away, or the thirst. 

At first she had tried to keep track of the days by memorizing the number of her visitors, their frequencies and in what intervals they fed her. But it’s all unreliable. Sometimes only a few heartbeats pass between the visits. Sometimes it’s endless hours of solitude before they come to her again. They usually pretend like the same amount of time has passed, although sometimes they pretend it’s her first day and she has just arrived, asking the same questions over and over again. She is not surprised, she has used similar tactics on prisoners. To destroy their sense of reality, their trust into their own sanity. It is cruel and it is effective. On a weird professional level she approves of their diligence, although she’d rather not be the target of their inquiries anymore. Regretfully no one gives her a choice on the matter and so all she can do is persevere.

She twists her face when a sharp pain shoots up through her strained back and a cut in her dried out lips opens again. She feels the blood beginning to run down her chin and quickly catches it with her tongue. How long has it been since they last fed her water? 

Bren had always known what time it was, but he isn’t here of course and she should not even be thinking about him. Other people were busy enough torturing her, it is futile to join them in it. But she can’t help it. Sometimes, in the treacherous silent hours of her ordeal, when her captors leave her alone for endless hours she thinks about him. About Bren and about Eadwulf. About how it was between them before everything crashed and burned and they broke apart. 

There has been a time where they have been her whole world. Bren, smart, charming, well spoken, brilliant. Eadwulf, strong and silent, loyal and unyielding. It has been the happiest time of her life, no matter how hard their education has been on them, how painful the trials they were put through, how unfair the punishments. They always had each other’s backs. 

And now, in the treacherous silence she wishes that they could hold each other again. The three of them, as it should be. Back when the world still made sense. 

They have tried to gain information from her but she is silent. Back in her school days there would torture each other at the command of their master. Bren, Wulf and her taking turns in hurting each other. The lessons continued after Bren was lost. Older Volstrucker would take them into locked rooms and beat them senseless and later, they would do the same to young acolites. Neither she nor Wulf ever broke and they were proud of it. And she won’t break now, this is what it all was for. Loyalty through torture, loyalty all the way through death. The pain is an old friend and she welcomes it with an open heart. It feels like home. Sometimes when she wakes with a start from unconsciousness or sleep she will, for the faintest of moments, think she is back in Rexxentrum, back in the academy, back to her lessons. Before she remembers where she actually is. No Eadwulf to pick her up after the ordeal and gently tend to her wounds while telling her how proud he was of her. She is alone in her only faithful companion is the pain. 

They have broken all of her fingers, one by one. And then, for good measure, also her wrists. They healed her, later but not without making sure her hands mended all twisted and useless. It feels a bit like overkill, given that no spark of magic can penetrate the void in the cell, she wouldn’t even be able to cast a spell unshackled and uninjured. Maybe they just want to drive home the point that she belongs to them now, and will never leave this place intact. If at all. 

It’s painful to be cut off from her magic. She has always had an instinctive connection to the ebbs and flows of arcane energy around her, ever since she first learned how to shift her perception to feel it. Drawing from it at will, shaping it to her desire. The absence of the familiar entropy is worse than the darkness. It’s like she’s missing one of her limbs. 

But this is what she signed up for. Deep in her heart she has always known this day will come eventually. That her death won’t be peaceful, that she won’t grow old. The only comfort she has is that her life has not been in vain. She has served her beloved empire with passion and dedication and she has stopped counting how many troublemakers she has killed for them. She helped to bring stability into the country. She helped to keep the peace. And during the war she helped to reduce the collateral damage by taking out the right high ranking members of the enemy. Or by extracting information about the positions of their troops and the movements of their army from prisoners. She has been very thorough with everything they entrusted her with. She will not begin to fail them now. 

Her limbs feel heavy and her mind begins to flicker. Grateful she drifts into the arms of sleep once more. 

**********

He has thought about contacting the others for help. 

Beauregard is spending some time in the Zadesh archive, training and helping with research. She is an Expositor after all and she can’t hide from certain duties forever. As far as he is aware Yasha is also staying in Zadesh, occasionally joining the monks in their training. He has seen the looks the two of them exchange when they think nobody is watching them. He does not want to be the asshole taking that much needed time from them. 

Veth spends some much needed time with her husband and her son. He is definitely not going to take that from her. 

Fjord and Jester are staying in the Lavish Chateau. Fjord has missed the ocean and Jester missed her mom. They also wanted time with each other, that was pretty obvious. 

Caduceus is also staying at the cost, spending time alone by the sea or in the woods outside of Nicodranas. He heard him and Fjord talking about strengthening his bond to the wild mother, and about meditating in nature. Caleb assumes that Fjord divides his time between going on adventures with Jester and religious practice with Caduceus, while Jester spends time with her mother. They all need time to relax and to bond. He will not disturb them. 

Reani might have been an option, but she still has not returned from her escort mission of the Clay family. 

In the end he has told none of them what he was planning. They know that he is in Uthodorn to bury himself in books and that he was pondering to visit some other libraries as well. Jester can always message him if something urgent comes up. 

He came up with reasons to leave each and every one of his friends alone with his problem, if he is being really honest with himselfs all of those justifications are meaningless. The true reason is that they would probably try to stop him, or go with him. But he wants to do this. And he wants to do it alone. Dealing with his past is his own business, this is so personal, so delicate and so painful that the presence of his friends would make everything worse. He can also imagine what they would say when he tells them who he wants to contact for help once he reached the Dynasty. He really does not want to have _that_ discussion right now. 

He has packed his things, counting his possessions as he carefully stores them in his satchel one by one. He opens the door to meet Eadwulf downstairs, but when he wants to step outside he is looking into dark brown eyes and takes a step backwards, as the other men pushes into his room. “It’s easier to teleport from here, without prying eyes.” Eadwulf says. “Just leave your key on the table. I already paid them for the room.” Caleb feels trapped. Maybe Eadwulf suspected he might run after all. He couldn’t really blame him for that. The distrust from his former friend still hurts, but in the end it is mutual.

“My sources told me that you have a house in Rosohna. Are you able to take us there?” Caleb shakes his had. It’s a spell he’s been working on, but he hasn’t quite managed to master it yet. 

“No problem, I can take us.” Eadwulf says. “Do you have an object from the house?” Caleb reaches into his satchel, pulling out a brass key on a string. “I trust it you don’t just use this as a means to infiltrate the Dynasty, leaving me behind like a fool..” he says, not really joking. 

“And I trust you not to have me teleport us into a room full of cricks.” Caleb flinches at the slur but says nothing. They stare at each other for a moment. Then Eadwulf starts casting his spell. His voice is melodic when he recites the incantations, focusing on the key in his palm. Caleb feels the arcane energies shift around them, feels the familiar pull of the teleportation spell.

Shortly before it takes effect Eadwulf reaches out for his hand, his strong fingers closing around his in a firm grip. 

There is a small flash of light and vertigo overcomes them, as they are sucked into the void. A moment later their feet touch foreign ground.


	2. Choked up, I realize, I’ve been less than half myself, for more than half my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two former schoolmates arrive in the Dynasty and Caleb seeks out the help of a friend. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is from the song "Nine" by Sleeping At Last

When the dizzying sensation of the teleport spell releases them they stand in the entrance hall of the Xhorhaus. 

Eadwulf let’s go of Caleb’s hand and takes a step forward, looking around. “This is your house?” he asks. Caleb nods and heads towards the staircase indicating his guest to follow him. They ascent the spiral stairs all the way to the roof. It’s dark outside, but that is no indication for the time of day here in the capital of Xhorhas. Caleb quickly calculates the time difference in his head. Midnight is approaching in Rosohna. The orbs in the giant tree they have planted here are still giving off a warm light, and the garden around it looks healthy and vibrant thanks to the artificial sunlight. He walks over to the balustrade and Eadwulf steps up next to him. The sky above the city is as dark as ever, the streets are illuminated by countless green lanterns and the occasional bonfire. “We are currently in the Firmaments.” he explains. “Over there is the Lucid Bastion.” he points towards the spires of gray quartz piercing the sky. The citadel gives of a faint glow, standing out clearly against the dark horizon. 

“Impressive.” Eadwulf says, taking in the city around them and the tree above. “It truly is.” Caleb replies.

“Where would they hold a Volstrucker prisoner?” 

“I can’t tell you the exact location. The Dungeon of Penance is located within the Shadowshire, which is a subterranean district that stretches out in all directions below us. I know there are several entrances to the Shadowshire in the Firmaments, I only entered through one though. I only know of one entrance to the Dungeon, if memory serves it should be somewhere under there.” he points again. “The Dungeon itself goes deep beneath the earth, several stories deep in fact. It’s a huge place and gravity and time work strangely down there, it’s hard to keep a sense of direction. Infiltrating the place is out of the question, it’s well guarded and warded against magic.” 

“I take it you have been down there then? If you know so much about the place?”

Caleb instinctively reaches for the scar where the prisoner had stabbed him before being torn apart by Essek. 

“I have.” he doesn’t elaborate further and is glad when Eadwulf does not press him to. 

“Come, I show you the rest of the house.” he offers and they descend the stairs. He shows Eadwulf the guest room and the spa with the giant hottub, leaving out all other doors on the first floor and then leads him downstairs to point out the dining room and the kitchen. 

He becomes aware of the fact that he hasn’t eaten anything since his breakfast, and as he hadn’t been able to keep that down after meeting Eadwulf he should eat. He doesn’t feel like it, but he also knows that he needs to take care of his body’s needs in order to be fully prepared for everything the next day will throw at him. 

“I am hungry.” he tells Eadwulf. “I will get us something to eat. I know a place that is still open at this time, it’s not far. Then we can talk more.” Eadwulf looks him up and down, calculating. “Fine.” he says. “But leave that thing around your neck with me. Come on, don’t look at me like that. You will get it back.” Caleb slowly slips the necklace that holds his amulet over his head, placing it on Eadwulf’s outstretched palm. The other man suddenly takes a step towards him, a blade flickers next to his face and before Caleb can parse what is happening Eadwulf cuts off a strand of his hair, then brings distance between them again. He puts the amulet and the hair into the component pouch on his belt and shrugs. “It’s nothing personal Bren, I’m just being thorough.” 

Caleb just glares. He hates how Eadwulf tries to intimidate him into compliance. He hates how well it is working. Without breaking eye contact he snaps his fingers and Frumpkin appears next to him. “My cat will keep you company until I’m back.” he growls, knowing that Eadwulf is aware of the fact that he can see through his eyes. “It’s nothing personal. I’m just being thorough.” Then he turns around and leaves, still feeling angry. Before he steps out of the door he casts an illusion, giving himself the appearance of a half-orc, making sure he looks nothing like Fjord. It feels weird to hide in plane sight again in Xhorhas, but he assumes it’s better to keep a low profile. And humans usually stick out here like a sore thumb, especially if they are  _ Heroes to the Dynasty _ . 

He walks a couple of blocks to a small restaurant he knows has excellent - albeit unfamiliar - food. He buys a couple of different dishes, enough to also last them for tonight as well as the coming day, and a bottle of wine, because why the fuck not. In the time he has to wait for the food to be packed up for him he tries to calm himself down, let go of the anger and some of the anxiety. Breathe Widogast he tells himself, just breathe. 

When he returns half an hour later he places the bag holding his purchases on the table of the dining room and then goes looking for Eadwulf. He finds him in the gigantic hot tub under the roots of their tree. The water is steaming, the only way he could have heated it up so quickly is magic, which doesn’t really come as a surprise. He sits with his back to the door and Caleb finds himself looking at the musculature of his back and the scars on his skin a bit too long. “Care to join me Bren?” Eadwulf asks without turning around, running his hand through the steaming water and then through his hair. The maze of tattoos on his forearm draws his gaze. Caleb swallows. 

“Dinner is ready, join me downstairs.” he says and leaves the room with faster steps than he wanted. He hears the other men chuckle behind him. 

When Eadwulf joins him he has dried off, although his hair is still wet and brushed back on his head. He is barefoot, just wearing his trousers and a loose shirt with the sleeves rolled up, clearly displaying the hair on his chest, the scars and tattoos on his arms. He throws him the necklace with the amulet and Caleb almost drops it to the floor when he plucks it out of the air. He quickly puts it around his neck again. 

He notices there are two chains hanging around Eadwulf’s neck. One holds a similar amulet to Calebs’ the other one is a small, silver pendant of a raven feather. 

Eadwulf holds himself with a confidence that is new. He always was the silent of the three, now there is something cocky about him. Something seductive. He displays the demeanor of a man who always gets what - or whom - he wants. Caleb can’t even begin to imagine the years of training and experience that must have shaped him into this new person, this stranger who is still oh so familiar. 

He wonders if he would be the same had things been different. He knows that he himself is able to radiate confidence, menace or even allurement for short periods of time which always makes him feel filthy afterwards. He hates falling back to the things Trent has taught him, effective and necessary as it might be from time to time. 

But Eadwulf never breaks character. Maybe he has played this role so long his old self has withered away and died eventually. 

He sits down at the table, opposite of Caleb, glances over the available food and then starts to generously fill his plate. He has always been an enthusiastic eater Caleb remembers. Sometimes he and Astrid felt too exhausted and sick to eat after their lessons, but Eadwulf had never lost his appetite. 

Caleb forces himself to eat something as well. Eadwulf seems to enjoy the food but to him everything just tasted like ashes and he feels sick. He forcefully swallows a mouthful of bread and cheese and raises his head.

“Give me more details about how, when and where they took her, please.” he says. “I need all the information I can get if I want to have a chance at getting to her.” 

And so he hells him. Tells him when she has departed to Rosohna, when they received her last message. He keeps the details of her mission vague, which frustrates Caleb but he understands that Eadwulf is walking a very thin edge here, making himself a traitor of the Empire in order to save her. He gives him what he needs, but not more. Caleb memorizes every detail, trying to focus on the hard facts and not on pointless speculations like the question if she was even alive. 

“I will visit a... friend of mine first thing in the morning.” he informs Eadwulf. “And see what I can do.”

“Do you trust this friend of yours?” 

Caleb has to think about this question for a while. The last time he has seen Essek Thelyss was on the ship, after his confession of stealing the beacons. Eventually he shrugs. “I’m not sure.” he says. “But he is the only one that could help us with this.” Eadwulf nods. 

Caleb cleans up the table and the other man helps him wordlessly. Afterwards they find themselves back in the entrance room of the house. 

“Goodnight Eadwulf.” he says and turns around to leave for his rooms. He stops in his tracks and turns around when Eadwulf begins to speak. 

“You haven’t been there Bren. You haven’t seen how she suffered. You know how she is, she always hides her pain, but we’ve always known her too well to be fooled. She broke too on that day, in her own way.” 

Eadwulf’s back is turned to him. He wants to reach out, cover the distance between them, overcome the abyss that separates them. Feel the warmth of calloused fingers on his skin again. Slowly his hand hovers over to Eadwulf’s shoulder. “Don’t.” he growls and Caleb quickly withdraws his hand, feeling like a fool. His cheeks are burning with shame. 

“Bring her back to me Ermendrud.” he says with a grim expression. “Bring her back to me.” 

Caleb just stands there, staring at the floor, until he hears the door to the guest bedroom slam shut upstairs. Frumpkin walks over to him and he picks him up and wraps him around his neck like a scarf. He starts to purr into his ear and he tries to find comfort in the sound. But the house just feels too empty without the others and the deafening silence Eadwulf has left behind.

  
  


**********

Her time in the darkness and the physical distress are taking their toll. She has developed a fever as well as a nasty cough. Sweating and shaking she oscillates between being too hot and too cold. Her dreams are more vivid now and she might be beginning to hallucinate. Consciousness and sleep are becoming hard to distinguish. It will soon be over, she can sense it. The visits have become less frequent and they have stopped feeding her. 

She keeps thinking about Bren and Eadwulf. When the delirium takes hold of her the memories actually bring her a bit of comfort from time to time, not just regret and resignation. She remembers the nights they spend together in her dormitory. Finding comfort in each other after a particularly hard day of lessons. Changing each other’s bandages, holding each other through the pain and through the nightmares. She felt so safe in their presence, in their arms. She always had that fierce need to protect them, but in the end it wasn’t enough. 

After Bren had left them she still had Eadwulf but they never managed to recover from the devastating loss of the third piece of their heart. Every time they were together there was a blank space, a void screaming to them about their lost friend. Nothing could fill that void, no matter how much they had tried to fill it with alcohol, meaningless sex and meaningless fights. As they grew older and graduated from Trent’s training they would often not see each other for weeks and months, working in different parts of the world, drenching their hands in blood for the Empire. But when they came home they always ended up in each other’s beds. He was all she had left in this world. At least they were miserable together. 

Maybe they should have been more kind to each other, given each other space to heal instead of helplessly tearing at old scars every time they were together. But how would they have been able to, after the world around them had worked hard for more than half their lives to make sure they had no kindness left to spare?

No. That is not the whole truth she realizes. There has been kindness. But the way they had been shaped she was unable to accept it for what it was. 

They had visited Bren every year in the asylum after he broke. Eadwulf had tried to talk her out of it after their second visit, saying that it only ripped open old wounds every time they saw how empty his eyes were. How he mechanically scratched his arms until old scabs broke open and began to bleed again. How he rocked himself back and forth, sitting on his bed in the little room with the iron door and the window with the bars in front of it. Bren had died that day in that fire and all that remained was this empty husk. Every year Eadwulf had told her he would stop to accompany her on these visits. And every year he still came with her, silently holding her afterwards. Until one day the small room with the iron door was empty. She still gets sad every year on the same day, Bren’s birthday. Eadwulf always shows up on her doorstep then, with a bottle of liquor and a stoic expression. She hates it when he sees her weakness. She also knows she can’t hide anything from him. It always makes her mad. She has taken out her anger on Eadwulf by provoking him, by hurting him. And he had taken it, fought back when she needed to tire herself out and held her through the night when she was exhausted. 

Now in the darkness she wishes she could talk to him one last time. To tell him that she is sorry. And that she still loves him, no matter how much they hurt each other. No matter how much she hurt him.

She will never see him again. 

At least there is one person to mourn her when she is gone. 

Her parents had died for the Empire and now she would be reunited with them. Most people who know about Trent’s procedure think that killing their own parents is the final and most definitive test of loyalty. But she knows better. That at least it’s not the whole truth. Killing her parents ensured that there was nobody who would look at her with sadness knowing what she had become. No one who would mourn her when she died in service of the Empire. It made it easier to do what was necessary, knowing that there is nobody back home you have to look in the eye afterwards and pretend you’re a good person. Nobody you will leave behind when you do not return from behind enemy lines. Nobody that can be abducted and used against you. Nobody who will take you in if you decide to desert and run. The Volstrucker had been her only family since that day. Down here in the darkness, shaken by fits of coughing, drifting in and out of consciousness, she is grateful for that fact. 

**********

When Caleb leaves his room the next morning he is surprised to find Eadwulf in the hallway, talking to a young drow girl. He needs a moment to recognize her. Their housekeeper, right. 

“Mr. Widogast.” she says. “Good morning. I wasn’t aware you were back and had a guest. I was just about to start my work.” 

“It’s fine Vedalla, it was a spontaneous decision to come to Xhorhas. We won’t need you to tend for the house for now. How much do we owe you by the way?” he reaches for his purse. “There is no need for that.” she shrugs. “The Shadowhand already paid me. He came by the other day, asking if you have been back recently. I told him I didn’t know when you would return.” Caleb notices Eadwulf looking at him with one raised eyebrow. “Right.” he says absentmindedly. “Well then Vedalla, you can leave.” She gives him a polite nod and turns around to go. Caleb looks at Eadwulf. “Breakfast?” he asks and begins to walk towards the kitchen. 

Shortly before she reaches the door, Eadwulf quickly walks up behind her, weaving his fingers through the air and muttering under his breath. 

Caleb turns around as he becomes aware of it and raises his hands to counter him, but the spell already took hold. Vedalla is frozen in place and Eadwulf placed his hands on her shoulders, leaning down towards her left ear. His voice sounds neutral, almost bored. 

“The house was empty when you showed up for your work and you talked to nobody. Your employers have left you a message to take the week off, because you have taken such good care of their estate.” He releases her from his grip and ends the spell. Vedalla continues as if nothing happened, leaves through the door and does not look back. 

Caleb glares at him. “There was no need for that.” Eadwulf seems unimpressed. “No loose ends.” he says, shrugs and heads towards the kitchen. 

They eat in tense silence and then Caleb prepares to leave. Eadwulf holds out his hand and he takes off the amulet again, handing it over. He is not in the mood to fight him over this. 

He puts on the disguise of the half-orc again and heads over to Essek’s house. Since Jester isn’t with him he has no means to send him a message to announce his arrival, but maybe it’s better to give no warning anyway. Gain a bit of an advantage with the surprise.

He barely notices the time that passes as he walks and suddenly he is in front of the three towers of slightly iridescent grey brick that make up the Shadowhand’s home.

He steps up to the familiar door and knocks. And begins to count the seconds. Then the minutes. One, two... When he hears the key turn in the lock he drops his disguise. And then finally the Shadowhand opens the door, looking indeed surprised. “Caleb.” he says. “I did not expect… I didn’t know you were back in the Dynasty. Please come in.” he looks nervous and he doesn’t meet his eyes, but he makes room for Caleb to enter his house. He is not wearing the cloak he usually appears in when out in public. He is clad in a midnight blue tunic, black trousers and soft leather shoes. He is not floating for once. He looks tired. 

“Let me take your coat.” he offers and Caleb accepts it, shrugging out of it and handing it over. 

This morning after he got up he shaved and brushed his hair, neatly tying it back in a ponytail although it isn’t quite long enough to stay completely neat yet. A few strands have already untangled. Right now he isn’t sure why he felt the need to appear presentable in front of the Shadowhand. Maybe he just needed something for his hands to do to calm his nerves before facing Eadwulf. 

He notices Essek’s gaze brushing over the books in his shoulder holsters for a moment. Still he won’t meet his gaze, he turns around to hang up the coat and then leads him to a seating area. 

“Please sit.” he says. “Can I offer you anything?” Caleb shakes his head. “Let’s just talk.” He waits until Essek sits down opposite of him before he begins to speak. 

“Thank you for paying our housekeeper. Tell me what I owe you so I can make it up to you.”

“Please don’t do this.” Essek says. “You owe me nothing. What is the real meaning of your visit?”

Caleb thinks about stepping around the issue for a bit longer, asking Essek how he’s been holding up, trying to make sense of their relationship now that they know the truth about his betrayal. But he does not find the right words and eventually gets straight to the most urgent issue at hand. 

“A little while ago you captured another scourger, correct?” Essek suddenly looks tense and weary, but after a short moment he nods. 

“I have reason to believe that I’m familiar with the person you captured. She is…” he takes a deep breath, weighs his options. “She is someone who once was very important to me. I owe it to her that I try to… Well. To get her out.“

There, it’s out in the open. Essek looks as if he is in pain. 

“I am not sure I can help you with that.” his voice comes out a little cracked, like it’s hard for him to speak all of a sudden. 

And still he is not making eye contact. 

“Have you seen her? The prisoner?” Caleb asks.

“I have.” 

“Show her to me.” He demands. 

Essek weaves a spell with his nimble hands and his appearance changes. Caleb gasps before he can stop himself. Before him sits a woman he is very familiar with, although he has never seen her with an expression of guilt and regret like that before. 

The image flickers and Essek is back, regarding his own hands with a frown. Waiting. 

“It’s her.” Caleb murmurs. 

“I am sorry.” Essek says and Caleb looks up, trying to sense if he is being honest. He seems to be genuine about it, he even looks a bittle sad. “I never meant to cause you any pain.” This statement is about more than Astrid and they both know it.

“How long has she been down there?”

“A month.”

Essek looks up for a moment and Caleb notices that he is frantically scratching his arms. He forces himself to stop. It’s straining. The scars itch and burn under his skin. 

“We captured her before the peace talks. Before the war was officially ended.” Essek begins to explain, his voice a little more steady now that they have played their cards. 

Caleb frowns. “But there was an exchange of prisoners? Why not bring her home?” He feels sick.

“The Empire didn’t want to admit that we had even more leverage over them. They wanted to keep the upper hand and they also didn’t want to admit they sent a spy into our midst when the peace talks were already on their way. I’m confident they will deny having ever known her.” This confirmed what Eadwulf had already told him. 

“But then… Then it should be easy to just get her out, right? The war is over, the empire doesn’t claim her? Why make an example of her? You have nothing to gain from her anymore.”

“She broke our laws, justice has to be served.”

Caleb’s eyes draw together in a frown. “You mean like the justice you served Adeen Tasithar” 

Esseks lips grow thin and right now, seeing his face twist with pain and guilt gives Caleb the tiniest amount of satisfaction, a fact he will later not be proud of. But right now he is desperate and angry.

“Is this an attempt to blackmail me Mr. Widogast?” 

“I hope it doesn’t have to come to that.” His voice is very cold. 

Then he realizes that he is falling back to his scourger training. Doing what is necessary to get Astrid out of that terrible, terrible place. Even if that means to threaten and blackmail someone he thought was his friend. But he does not want to act like that. Not with him. Not with Essek. He rubs at his eyes for a moment and when he speaks again his words sound pleading. 

“Help me get her out of there Essek. Please.” 

Essek goes quiet for a long time. Eventually Caleb begins to talk again. 

“There are some things I need to tell you. About my past. I feel like… You should know. Maybe then you will understand why I need to get her out of there.” He takes a deep breath. “You are already aware that I was training to become a Volstrucker in my youth. That’s how they call the scourgers back home. But I didn’t finish my training. See, there were three of us. Astrid, Eadwulf and me. Trent Ikithon selected us for his special program. He was a cruel but effective teacher. He put us through all kinds of ordeals to strengthen us and test our loyalty. I flourished under his tutoring. Until the day he made us kill our own.” He stares at his hands. 

“Is that what you meant when you told Ludinus your father and mother died for your country?”

Caleb nods. 

“What you have to understand is that the three of us were close. Very close. They were my family away from home and there was no one I loved more in the world, except for my parents. We always looked out for each other and we promised us to never betray that bond. After I… broke and was… sent away I did not see them again for a very long time.”

He looks up, staring at Essek until the other man can’t shy away anymore and meets his gaze. “It has been a long time, but some things never change. I can’t leave her behind Essek. I can’t.” Tears are welling up in his eyes and he lets them flow. There is no sense in hiding his pain now.

Essek gets up and sits on the couch next to Caleb. His hands hover in the air for a moment, then he slowly places them on the hand that is frantically tearing at the scars on Caleb’s arm. He has started scratching again without even realizing it. His sleeve slid up his arm revealing the faint criss cross of lines on his skin and a bit of blood. Caleb looks up, meeting purple eyes.

“I had a lot of time to think about what you told me on that ship.” Essek begins. “I owe you my life Caleb Widogast. You learned of my betrayal and yet you did not turn me in, you did not push me away, you did not call for revenge or justice. You showed me kindness when you didn’t have to. I want to return that favor. But I won’t lead you into certain death. I am sorry I have to say this, but, she will not leave the Shadowshire alive.” His hands on Caleb’s grip a little harder, as the human begins to shake at his words. Essek continues in a soft tone. “But there are means to reverse a death for souls that are not consecuted as far as I’m aware. And I am sure you have such means at your disposal.”

It’s a painful thought, letting her die down there. Caleb closes his eyes for a moment. 

“I am sorry but this is all I can offer you. It’s your best chance of getting her back.” Essek’s sounds genuinely sad. 

“I want to see her.” Slowly he pulls away his hands from Essek’s, sitting up more straight. 

“You can’t.” Essek slowly shakes his head. “Believe me, if there was a safe way to get you in there without raising suspicion I would. But it is complicated. And saving her is more important to you than just visiting her for a moment, am I right?” 

Caleb takes a deep breath. What if this is his last chance to ever see her alive? But his own sentimentality is not as important as making sure they do not get caught. “You are right.” he admits, rubbing at his eyes for a moment. 

“Umh… There is one last thing I have to tell you. Eadwulf is waiting for us in the Xorhaus. We should include him in making further plans.” 

The expression on Essek's face puts a small smile on his lips for the first since he received Eadwulf’s message. 


	3. I wanna give you back the open sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are made and first steps are taken. 
> 
> Taking Eadwulf's POV was scary you guys, especially since we know even less about him than about Astrid. I hope I did him justice. 
> 
> This chapter ends on a very dark note, but there will be some light on the horizon soon(ish). I promise. 
> 
> The title of this song is from the song "Landscape" by Florence and the Machine, a song that I strongly associate with Astrid.

It is interesting to explore their rooms. He has only briefly seen them back in the asylum, when they came over to take a look at the Beacon and he wants to learn more about who these people are. He read some reports back home, but they told him little more than that this group makes no sense. 

The daughter of a famous courtesan, a former sailor, an expositor of the cobalt soul, a goblin with an unknown past, a cemetery keeper and a tall brooding woman whose origins were even more mysterious than that of the goblin… And Bren, former wunderkind, broken and asylum-runaway. 

It is an erratic array that surrounds him these days, that much is certain. They are colorful and loud and intense. And unpredictable. And more capable than one would give them credit upon first sight. He wonders how they came to travel together. 

One of the rooms has a mural of flowers painted on the wall, in another room there are dicks and unicorns painted above one of two beds. There is a laboratory with alchemical equipment and the beginning of a small library and he also finds a training area. The garden on the roof contains a shrine with an interesting assortment of trinkets. 

There is a wood-carved idol he recognizes as the Wild Mother, a wood-carved doorway that he can’t place, a stone figure of the Knowing Mistress, a small pool of water, and a small wood-carved shield with thunderbolts, which belongs to the Stormlord. Apart from Ioun none of these belong to deities approved by the empire, which doesn’t really come as a surprise. He still takes careful mental notes. 

Nothing of this makes real sense, at least not with the old Bren in mind. Ambitious, patriotic and fierce. The anxious, tense and reticent man he is today bears little resemblance to the charming, bold young man he was before he broke. 

Astrid has always anchored them both, but there has also been a very intimate connection between him and Bren. They would take care of each other, all three of them, and he loved them above everything. He remembers how they lay in bed together, Astrid sleeping peacefully between them, locking eyes, not able to look away, speaking volumes without making a sound. 

He also remembers visiting him in the asylum with Astrid. How pitiful he looked, how it hurt her to see him. How he took care of her afterwards, how she just wouldn’t listen and insisted on going every year. He decided early on that their friend was dead, never to return. She still kindled hope. They fought about it. And then one day Bren was gone for good. And then, even later, this stranger returned, mocking them by wearing the face of their lost friend. Caleb Widogast is stern and easily afraid, he radiated sadness and insecurity. Eadwulf hates him for his weakness. 

He does not want him to see any of his inner conflict, so he puts on a mask. The only mask that he knows. The Volstrucker. Once it’s in place it doesn’t take much effort to uphold it. It’s like a second skin. Part of him enjoys how much it unsettles Caleb Widogast, the man who stole his dead friend's face, who flinches when someone calls him Bren. 

After he tours the house he returns to the guest room and lies down on the bed again, staring at the vermaloc wood paneled ceiling. He closes his eyes and weaves his spell. 

_ “Aster. I have arrived in the Dynasty and I am coming to get you. Bren agreed to help, use his connections. Hang in there, alright?” _

He has been sending her a message every day since they lost contact, and never received a reply. But maybe she just wasn’t able to answer, maybe they still got through to her. 

_ Aster. _ He sometimes calls her that when they are alone. Because it resembled her name and also is the name of a popular flower in Blumenthal. She always pretends like she doesn’t like it, but he has always been able to see through her lies. 

Next he takes out a crystal ball from his haversack, get’s the strand of Bren’s hair out from his components pouch and weaves another spell. His mind expands, colors flash before his inner eye and then he sees him, sitting on a sofa next to a drow. He speaks and his voice sounds hoarse. 

_ “...to understand is that the three of us were close. Very close. They were my family away from home and there was no one I loved more in the world, except for my parents. We always looked out for each other and we promised us to never betray that bond. After I… broke and was… sent away I did not see them again for a very long time…” It looks like he is crying. “It has been a long time, but some things never change. I can’t leave her behind Essek. I can’t.” The drow puts his hands on Caleb’s... _

Eadwulf snaps out of it and turns the crystal ball in his hands, thinking about what he just witnessed. At least it looked like he was indeed willing to help, even desperately so. But the distress in his face, the tears, the begging undertone in his voice they unnerve him. It feels wrong that this stranger talks so intimately about them. And it makes him angry that he says he never saw them again after he broke, proving how useless their yearly visits had been. 

He puts the crystal ball back into the haversack and spends the remaining time by making sure everything in his component pouch is in order, before he takes out his spellbook and flips through it lazily. 

When the door opens downstairs he gets up to meet Caleb in the entrance hall. As he descends the stairs he finds that he brought a guest. 

“Eadwulf, this is the Essek.” 

“Shadowhand.” Eadwulf smiles, knowing quite well that it looks more like he is bearing his teeth at him. It’s calculated. He lets them know that he knows full well who Caleb had brought into the house. He has spent the last month reading every report from the Dynasty he could get his hands on. He nods to Caleb. “Bren, welcome home.” 

He sees how the Shadowhand’s gaze flickers over to Caleb for a moment, who quickly clears his throat and points towards a door. “Let’s sit down and talk.” 

They make an odd duo. 

Caleb, purple coat, long scarf and long red hair that has started to escape the tie again. His hands are restless. He is as attractive as he remembers him, maybe even more so now he matured. But he doesn’t hold himself like it. He looks like he wants to be overlooked, disappear into the background. Bren used to display a confidence that occasionally bordered on arrogance. Yesterday, when he left his cat behind, there was a flicker of temper, but it felt more like a cornered animal biting out of desperation. 

And then there is Essek of den Thelyss, the Shadowhand, clad in the colors of midnight, adorned with silver jewelry white hair styled perfectly, hands neatly folded in his lap, a neutral expression on his face. 

Caleb begins to speak first. 

“Essek has confirmed that Astrid is held in the Dungeon of Penance.” Eadwulf looks over at the drow, who gives a small nod. He bears his teeth at him again. 

“Tell me Shadowhand, were you personally involved in torturing her?”

He sees Caleb tense, but the drow remains calm, at least outwardly. “I was present for some of her interrogation but I have not laid a hand on her myself.” It seems to be the truth, a carefully woven one. The insinuation is clear. Caleb looks like he is ready to jump at the slightest wrong movement. But Eadwulf is not interested in violence or revenge. There is only one thing he is interested in, and he won’t get it if he attacks the only person that can help them. No matter how much he despises to see him. 

“What is the plan then?” he asks, leaning back, crossing his arms. Essek’s hands are still folded, his back is straight, his voice composed. “I can offer you no means of getting her out alive. But dead prisoners are taken to the crematorium on the surface. The crematorium itself isn’t guarded heavily because people usually don’t try to rob it. I can help you get her out of there.” 

Eadwulf keeps up his mask, but he feels how his stomach tenses, feels a sting in his chest at the thought of having her die, especially now that he is so close. He sees his carefully hidden anguish clearly displayed on Caleb’s face, laid bare for the world. 

He fixates Essek with a cold expression. His voice is very quiet now. “Do you intend to lead us into a trap?”

“I do not.” The Shadowhand doesn’t flinch, doesn’t turn away his gaze. 

Silence falls. He looks over to Caleb, but the other man does not meet Eadwulf’s eyes. He switches to their native tongue. 

_ “Look at me you coward.”  _ Caleb obeys.  _ “Will he lead us into a trap? Is he bullshitting us?” _

_ “No.”  _ Caleb replies, and he sounds confident enough, given that he looks like is about to throw up.  _ “This is our best bet. Two of my friends are powerful clerics. If I talk to them…” _

Eadwulf interrupts him.  _ “No. There is no need for them to get involved. I know someone who will be able to help us, and keep quiet about it.” _

Essek politely waits while they are talking, his expression neutral. 

It is obvious that the two wizards have a complicated relationship and a lot of unsolved issues. There is obvious affection on both sides, but also a weariness. They pretend like they are only superficially acquainted, but Caleb is too bad of a liar for Eadwulf’s trained gaze. He notices how Caleb’s eyes keep wandering over to Essek. He has seen how Essek’s hand touched Caleb’s. 

_ “If he betrays us, Bren, I will kill him with my own hands before your eyes. Or maybe I kill you first and let him watch? What do you think?” _

There it is again, that spark of temperament from the previous night. Caleb’s eyes shoot daggers at him, but he does not respond. Instead he switches back to Common.

“We will take your offer to get us into the Crematorium.” he says and Essek nods. “I will make arrangements and contact you when it is time. I can teleport us from here.” 

“I have developed a spell that will… Make it easier for us to carry her.” Caleb places a piece of amber on the table with a slightly shaking hand. “It works a bit like a bag of holding.” 

“Then it will be no problem to teleport us out again.” Eadwulf nods. “Easy enough.” 

After that is settled Essek takes his leave. Eadwulf can tell that both of them have plenty to say to each other, so he makes sure to stay painfully close until the Shadowhand leaves the house. 

Caleb turns around to face him, after the door closes behind the drow, but doesn’t say anything when he meets Eadwulf’s carefully crafted condescending smirk. “Do you have a problem Bren?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. 

Caleb surprises him a bit when he just holds up his middle finger for a moment, staring directly into his eyes. Then he rushes past him and locks himself in his rooms. Eadwulf shrugs and returns to the guest chamber. The waiting begins. 

**********

Her arms are bound behind her by shackles, which are connected to the bottom of the chair by a chain. Her ankles are also shackled and chained. The chair is bolted to the floor. Chains from each arm and each leg affixed to all sides of the room. Her movement is limited to a minimum. There are multiple guards at all times keeping watch outside the cell. Only the most dangerous prisoners receive such strict treatment. He is sure that she has earned it, he has seen what the scourgers are capable of.

The smell that comes from the cell is more than unpleasant. She has been down here for a long time, and that time has not been kind to her. She looks battered and bruised, too thin and too pale. 

Her head lifts and her eyes dart around the darkness, unseeing. There is no light down here, but his elven eyes are adjusted to that. Her human ones are not. He can see that she is bracing herself against whatever waits for her. He knows what her face looks like when she steels herself against the coming pain. How brave she still is, after all they have done to her. It’s impressive. They have not been able to break her. 

Caleb has once loved this woman, he probably still does. They have been trained under the same man. There is something else that is unsettling about that fact. It might as well be Caleb on that chair, if he hadn’t broken all those years ago. He imagines Caleb looking at him with the same mixture of pride, revulsion and wrath that she had given him and his torturers. It’s sickening. 

But it isn’t Caleb in that cell. It is someone close to his heart. 

And isn’t that enough reason for him to help? The loyalty to any country has lost a most of its meaning for him. His true loyalty now lies with his own heart. And he has a lot of broken trust to make up for. 

His feet touch the floor as he passes the threshold into the anti-magic field. 

**********

She is brave and calm when death finally finds her. She has always been brave. For her friends, for her country. She has remained faithful to her oath to stay loyal until the end. 

The door to her cell clicks and swings open and her instinct tells her that this will be the last visit. They have left her alone for too long, they clearly lost interest, and she is of no use to them anymore. It’s still pitch black but her other senses have adjusted to the darkness by now. Her sense of hearing, her sense of smell. She senses a figure approaching and then standing in front of her. 

A coughing fit starts to bubble up in her chest and she can’t hold it back, the chains go taut when her body jerks forward. The figure does not move until she catches her breath again. Then it leans closer. 

There is a familiar smell of ground up metals and fine ink, and when a hand touches her it is soft. Fabric rustels, the figure isn’t wearing armor. A spellcaster she assumes. Curious. 

The hand on the back of her neck is almost gentle.

“I am truly sorry Astrid.” it’s a gentle whisper, as gentle as the touch on her neck, with a hint of sadness. It doesn’t make any sense. 

The Stiletto effortlessly glides into the space between her ribs. She feels a stinging sensation and it is getting very hard to breathe. 

This doesn’t make sense! She never told them her name. And why would they be sorry to kill her now? She opens her mouth to ask. She needs to know. But the darkness engulfs her and everything fades. 

  
  



	4. That might save my skin, but it won't save my soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, I promised you it will get better soon(ish), I’m afraid this chapter isn’t it yet. But it can’t stay dark forever, after you hit rock bottom the only direction to go is up. 
> 
> Additional TW: Mentions of domestic abuse. 
> 
> The title of the chapter is from the song "Fire" by Kimya Dawson

_ The metal is cold against his sore skin. He is shackled to a chair, manacles around his wrists and ankles, tightly connected by a chain. They rattle when he tries to move. He can’t remember how he got here.  _

_ There is a familiar voice. “Are you awake? Wake up. You are in a bad place, I need you to talk to me. Look at me.” she says softly.  _

_ He opens his eyes, lifts his head. And there she is, standing in front of him, illuminated by a faint glow, like from a distant fire, that somehow fills the little cell and paints unnerving patterns of shadow on the walls.  _

_ He just stares. She takes a step in his direction.  _

_ “Go ahead. Your life's thread is very short right now. If you want to keep it from being clipped, I need you to talk to me.”  _

_ The voice coming from his own throat sounds like a strangers. "It is what it is. This is what happens in war."  _

_ There is a hint of sadness in her eyes as she regards him. He hold hers gaze. Speaks again. "I will say, it's fascinating to see who's now working with the other side.” _

_ “I'm curious. You've done a lot for the Assembly. I know that you've killed many enemies of the Empire, of the throne. I am very curious to know how it would affect you if you knew that some of those you robbed of their breath were innocent, completely innocent. As loyal as you. What would that do to you?” _

_ He raises his eyebrows, feigning surprise at her question. "We both trained under the same man. You know the answer to that. There are things bigger than innocence."  _

_ She frowns. “It doesn't haunt you at all to know that some of the deeds you've committed were predicated on lies?” _

_ He laughs a bitter little laugh. "We're chosen for a reason. From obscurity picked from the rest of the riffraff for something that we can do. And to seize such a destiny can cause a lot of heartache. And we can do some terrible things...I had my heart beaten out of me a long time ago. Now, it's about guiding history. It always has been." _

_ “I don't know how my brothers and sisters could stomach wearing that mantle of loyalty, knowing that it was woven so thoroughly from sin and I am very sorry for you.” Her words sound genuine. But he is not interested in her sympathy, or in her pity.  _

_ "Good men don't conquer. They die and are forgotten. I'll die and be forgotten, but at least I know some of my deeds will have changed the course of history. The reason that we get to sleep, every night, in a comfortable inn bed, or in a manor, as do the many families and children just like we were, just like the families we once had that don't have to make the choices we did. They still get to live, happily and comfortably, because the few, the chosen few, made the hard choice, and do what few have the will to do."  _

_ He is proud of his sacrifice and it echoes in his voice.  _

_ “You've certainly learned your lessons by rote.” _

_ His lips curl to a nasty smile. "You still have a few to learn too. I'm sure he'll find you. He'll be happy to finish what he couldn't. He doesn't like it when people don't do as he says."  _

_ Her expression is impossible to read. For a moment she looks past him, thoughtfully. “I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. And I'm looking at you as if I am looking in a mirror.” _

_ He shrugs, rattling the chains.  _

_ "What do you want? Why did you come here? None of this is surprising. What do you want from me?"  _

_ She looks him straight in the eye. “Maybe if I could talk plainly with you and see one inch of change, then I wouldn't believe we're all damned.” _

_ Another bitter laugh escapes his throat. "No. There is no path to redemption for me. I hope this lesson has been very useful."  _

_ There is regret in her eyes now, and more pity. “Some of us get tired of macabre fairy tales.” She takes another step towards him, cups his face with one hand. A tear trickles down her cheek, along the scar that hadn’t been there when they were younger. She slowly and tenderly kisses him on the forehead.  _

_ “I’m sorry Bren, I’m so sorry. Gute Nacht.” _

_ He can’t speak, there is pressure in his lungs, robbing him of any air. His mouth fills with blood, bubbling forth from his windpipe.  _

_ Behind her he sees familiar violet eyes, staring at him with a cold anger, and a hand outstretched in his directions.  _

_ Astrid nods and Essek’s fingers slowly close.  _

_ ********** _

They wait for two days before Caleb finally snaps. The house is still too empty and too quiet and he feels more trapped with every passing hour. The animosity coming from his former friend is harder to bear every time he encounters him. He is not entirely sure why Eadwulf is so cold and cruel towards him. When he met Astrid in Rexxentrum she was kind and understanding, they had a good talk, he even thought about staying for the night. But Eadwulf… Eadwulf radiates anger, bordering on hatred. He is condescending and continues his attempts to intimidate him, with more success than Caleb would admit. 

At first he simply keeps out of his way. His mind keeps wandering to his dream and to Astrid, alone in the dark somewhere deep beneath them. Will they know the moment her last breath leaves her? Will the earth shake, will there be thunder in the distance, as they are torn apart for good? It’s a silly thought. Waiting for her death, not knowing when it will happen, is torture. And there is no one here to comfort him. Only cold disdain and mockery. 

The second evening, when he passes Eadwulf’s room on his way to the garden on the roof, he hears his voice and stops, holding his breath. 

_ “...e will come to get you. And then I will take you home. Be brave Aster, it will be over soon.”  _

His voice is soft, gentle. Full of affection. It catches Calb off guard. This voice doesn’t fit the cold and calculating persona Eadwulf presents to him. For a moment it sounds as if his old self is still in there. Which makes the demeanor he shows in front of Caleb even harder to accept. It makes him angry. A festering anger, that eats away at his nerves, makes him even more restless. 

On the third day he decides that he is not going to take the tension anymore. 

He finds Eadwulf downstairs, lazily slouched on an armchair, reading a book. He recognizes the book as one from their small collection, stored in a room he didn’t show his guest. He is not surprised, but it further fuels his anger anyway. 

“Eadwulf.” 

The other man does not lift his head. “I’m busy Bren.” he says and flips a page. 

“I don’t care.” he snaps back. “I have something to say and you will listen, look at me.” Irritated Eadwulf lifts his head and makes eye contact with him, a dangerous expression on his face. Cold and calculated. Caleb continues. “I’m helping you, and her. Because I want to, because of our past. Stop treating me like a subordinate or like a captive. I’m here, and I let you stay in our house, because of her. I’m not here to be your whipping boy.” 

Eadwulf slowly puts down the book and stands up, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Are you sure about that?” he asks softly. 

Caleb huffs. “Why do you act like I’m personally responsible for what happened?” he studies Eadwulf, taking in his posture, his frown. “It’s because you’re angry because you think I  _ abandoned _ you, is it not?”

Eadwulf’s lips twitch into a bitter smirk. “So you haven’t lost all of your wit then. Impressive.” 

“My mind broke Eadwulf, and they locked me away. Those years are lost to me, there was nothing I could have done about it. I am sorry that I left you behind, but I didn't do it by choice.”

Eadwulf takes a step in his direction. “Are you sure about that?” he asks again, even softer. “Fine, you blacked out for eleven years. But what then? After you escaped, after you got your mind back, what did you do then? Run and hide, you even left your own name behind. You forgot about us and moved on. Without me you wouldn’t even have known she is gone.”

His words sting, because they hold some truth. But Caleb is too angry to let Eadwulf disarm him with instilling guilt in his heart. 

“Oh I remember everything.  _ Everything. _ That’s why I ran, that’s why I could never come back. Don’t you see that? I remember every lesson, I remember every punishment, being locked up in that tower for days and days.”

Angrily he pulls up his shirt, exposing a small cluster of scars on the freckled skin over his ribs. 

“I still remember how I got these. You heated up a scalpel over a candle and then burned me with it again and again until I screamed myself hoarse.”

He pulls the shirt down, then reaches up to expose his shoulder instead, pointing to another mess of scars. “This is where Astrid used those fucking pliers. Do you remember? Because I do. It got infected and festered for days.” He pulls the fabric up again. “I remember alright, I have no other choice because the memories are etched into my damn skin.” 

He lifts his hand, index finger gesturing accusingly in Eadwul’s direction, emphasising his next words. 

“We were  _ children  _ Eadwulf and he made us  _ torture each other  _ and _ kill our own parents!”  _ He is almost shouting now.

Eadwulf shrugs, his face is expressionless and cold. “My father used to beat me bloody when I was little and my mother just watched. To be honest, Bren, it felt good to kill them.” He takes another step towards him. 

Caleb goes silent for a moment, heart racing. For all the nights they spent whispering secrets to each other Eadwulf had never really talked about home. 

“Mine didn’t.” Caleb says very quietly. 

Eadwulf is standing very close now, overtowering him. His shirt is partially unbuttoned, revealing the hair on his chest. 

He is staring him down, and Caleb stares right back. Their eyes lock. For a moment time is standing still. 

Then a voice in Caleb’s head interrupts them.

_ “Everything is in order, I will arrive in five minutes. Get ready please. We don’t have much time.” _

Caleb breaks the eye contact and sighs.  _ “We will be ready.” _

Suddenly his anger has just evaporated. He feels tired. “Essek will be here in five minutes, get your things.” 

He leaves without looking back. 

His belongings are already packed, he always keeps everything ready to leave in an instance. He puts on his coat and scarf, takes his satchel. Frumpkin is peacefully sleeping on his pillow, and he gives him a little scratch. “See you later my friend.” he says, and sends the cat back into the feywild. Eventually he steps into the entrance hall, exactly five minutes later to be precise. Right as he steps through the doorway there is a small flash of arcane energy end Essek appears. “Caleb.” he says, nodding at him but not saying anything else, he looks tense. 

Eadwulf joins them a moment later, wearing his leather doublet. His haversack is slouched over one shoulder. 

His shirt is still halfway unbuttoned and Caleb has a hard time to deliberately keep his eyes away. 

_ Time is one of my specialties.  _ Essek said to him once. Indeed, Caleb thinks bitterly, indeed. 

Essek speaks. “I will teleport us directly into the room where she… where they keep her. You have means to teleport out again?” Eadwulf confirms this with a nod. “Good. Then our ways will part once we’re there. Please gather around. He speaks his incantation, the vertigo sets in and then the smell of death hits them. 

**********

The room is cold. Dark stone tiles cover the floor and the walls. There are small windows under the ceiling, too high up to see the outside world. Several stretchers line one of the walls, almost all of them are occupied with a covered body. 

Essek steps over to the last stretcher on the right and makes a gesture towards it, Caleb and Eadwulf follow his lead.

Her body is wrapped into a clean sheet of linen. Eadwulf pulls it back and reveals her lifeless face. It is bruised and her cheeks have caved in, her hair is a matted mess caked with blood. It’s a horrible sight and Caleb is not prepared. 

It almost breaks him, then and there. He has gotten better at dealing with his panic attacks but right now he feels like he is going to faint. Like his heart will explode out of his chest, like his ribcage is pressing together his lungs until he can’t breathe. He reaches out for the wall to steady himself, hyperventilating. 

“Snap out of it Bren, we don’t have time for that.” a firm hand claps around his shoulder shaking him. He looks up, meets Eadwul’s stern gaze. 

“Yes… right…” he murmurs, taking a deep breath. “Let’s get her away from here.”

Essek is standing apart from them now, next to the door, seemingly wanting to blend with the shadows. There is a pained look of guilt and shame on his face. 

Eadwulf leans over Astrid’s lifeless body, reaches into the pouch at his belt and takes out two copper coins, which he carefully places on her closed eyes. Before he pulls away his hand he brushes her cheek with his fingers, a tender gesture. He looks over at Essek. “She is still warm.” he states. 

“She died less than two hours ago.” Essek replies. “I made sure she was brought here immediately.”

Eadwulf reaches into his pouch again, getting out a pinch of salt. Speaking his incantation and moving his hand in a complicated pattern, he throws it into the air, where it dissipates in a small hail of sparks. Then he carefully pulls the fabric back over her face, without disturbing the copper pieces. 

He gives Caleb a nod. “Do your thing.”

His hands shake when he places his pieces of amber around her lifeless body. Everything about this feels wrong, it feels like a nightmare. 

He speaks his incantation and her body vanishes, securely stored in his vault. He collects the amber pieces and stores them away with great care. Then he gives a nod to Eadwulf. “We can go.” 

But Eadwulf slowly walks over to Essek, towering over him, like he towered over Caleb earlier. “I will not forget that you helped us, Shadowhand, but I will also not forget what you and your people did to her.” Essek nods. “I understand.”

Eadwulf turns around, paying the drow no further mind, gesturing to Caleb to join him, which he does.

As Eadwulf begins the incantation Caleb looks to Essek, trying to make eye contact, give a silent thank you and maybe an apology. But right at the moment violet eyes find blue the spell takes effect and the vertigo sets in again. 

**********

They arrive on a green hill shortly before sunrise. The sky has already gotten bright in the east, the clouds above the Empire are shining in shades of purple and orange. The landscape around them has a softness to it, no sharp edges. It’s beautiful, although they don’t have eyes for that right now. 

“It’s right behind that hill.” Eadwulf says and starts walking. The grass beneath their feet is wet with dew drops. They walk in silence, not looking at each other. 

The sun comes up from the horizon right as the temple comes into view, painting the world around them in vivid warm colors, as if it caught on fire. 


	5. It's in the eyes, I can tell you will always be danger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A soul returns and the healing begins. 
> 
> The title of this chapter refers to the song “Snake Eyes” by Mumford and Sons

The temple of the Everlight sits outside of Grimgolir. It serves as a sanctuary as well as an infirmary for the surrounding settlements, the capable healers that work here having an excellent reputation. 

Multiple buildings are arranged around the main sanctuary, everything is built from red bricks that are expertly crafted into delicate patterns. Intricate stained windows adorn the walls, reflecting the morning sun. It’s beautiful, but the architecture reminds Caleb too much of the sanatorium to really appreciate it. 

The head priestess of the temple is a stout dwarven woman who goes by the name of Thara. Her hair is silvery white and wrapped around her head in elegant braids. 

“Eadwulf.” she greets him when they enter the infirmary, he seems to know his way around. “I received your message. Please follow me.” she nods at Caleb. “You must be Bren then.” He is too preoccupied to argue about his name so he just nods. “Thank you for welcoming us.” 

She leads them through a corridor to an open door on the left. Two of her acolytes have already prepared a room for them. 

“Over here.” Thara says and points them to an empty table covered with cloth that is set up next to a table with several washing bassins, pieces of cloth and soap and medical instruments. 

Caleb places the vault of ember in the middle of the empty table and murmurs. “Una.” 

The lifeless body of Astrid appears, still wrapped in linen. Eadwulf reaches out in order to uncover her face again, but Thara places her hand on his forearm. “Don’t.” she says. “We will take it from here and call you back in when you are ready. Why don’t you get something to eat or some rest? I prepared a room for you. This is Adin, they will show you the way.”

One of the two acolytes, a young half-elf with auburn hair, steps forward and gives them a polite little bow. 

Neither Eadwulf nor Caleb make a move, so Thara stems her hands into her hips and gives them a very reprehensive look. “It will be of no use to have you two younglings underfoot while I do my work. She is in good hands with me. Now off you go, Adin, make sure they get something to eat.” 

Caleb watches with amazement as Eadwulf’s shoulders sag a little and he nods. “Yes Thara. Thank you.” he turns around and follows Adin. “Thank you.” Caleb also murmurs and then shuffles out of the room after Eadwulf. 

Adin leads them out of the building, through a beautiful garden that is in full bloom. Bees are buzzing in the bushes of lavender that line the way. They point to a building that is mostly covered by a scaffold. “Our roof took some damage when a tree fell into it during the last storm. We are still rebuilding most of the guest quarters, so we are a bit sparse on rooms at the moment.”

They enter the building and Adin leads them around some buckets that have been set up to catch water in the places the roof is leaking, in case of rain. They open a door on the left and invite Eadwulf and Caleb to enter. 

“This is the only room we can offer you right now, we will bring in an additional bed for you. But honestly, it’s probably for the best anyway if you all stay in here. Coming back from the dead can be very disorienting, she should not be alone tonight.” 

The chamber Adin shows them is surprisingly spacious. There is a large four poster bed with a delicately carved headboard. A large fireplace, built from the same red brick as the rest of the building. A large bear pelt covers the floor in front of it. Two armchairs are placed on it. The room also holds a small writing desk in front of the window. 

“This will do.” Eadwulf says and nods, no trace of mockery or snide in his voice. Caleb frowns at this change in his demeanour but does not say anything. 

Adin gestures for them to follow again. “Come, I will show you to the kitchen and you can get something to eat.” they say and lead the way. 

The kitchen is located in yet another building, connected to a dining hall. Some tables are occupied with patients and staff eating breakfast. 

At Adin’s recommendation they fill their plates with food and sit down on a bench in the garden, between bees and lavender, to enjoy the morning sun while they eat.

“I will summon you once the preparations have concluded.” they tell them and take their leave. Eadwulf and Caleb are left to their own devices. 

Caleb summons Frumpkin and the cat starts to explore the flower beds, occasionally pouncing at beetles and bumblebees. 

“How do you know Thara?” Caleb asks after a while, before taking another bite of scrambled egg.

“Got hurt pretty bad in a job, she and her acolytes patched me up. I guess she developed maternal feelings for me and therefore treats me like a little boy sometimes. Can’t really be mad at her though, she saved my life after all. Also she can be quite scary.” Eadwulf still sounds calm and composed, no trace of derisiveness. Caleb enjoys this temporary truce between them and feels himself relax a bit. It’s good to see the sun again. 

But the argument they had earlier still weighs on his mind. Maybe he catches him in a better mood to talk, now that the first step of their mission went down without problems. 

“I meant what I said earlier today.” he says. “I have not forgotten about you. I’ve been thinking about you constantly, dreaming about you as well. I missed you, I missed you more than you can imagine. But I could not come home. Not after what happened. I never meant to cause you any pain...” he trails off helplessly, not sure what else to say. 

Eadwulf does not look at him, he stares straight ahead, listening to his words with a blank expression. When Caleb stops speaking he gets up. 

“Hey Adin!” he calls out to the half-elf just walking from one building to another. They stop. “Yes?” “How long will it take until we can start?” 

Adin shrugs. “With the utmost respect Mister Eadwulf, Thara said if you don’t know what to do with yourself you’re welcome to make yourself useful by chopping some firewood in the backyard.” They proceed without waiting for a reply.

“Fine.” Eadwulf grumbles and gets up. “See you later Bren.” and with that he walks away. 

Caleb’s shoulders sag a little. Their truce seems to be already over. It was stupid to bring the topic up again. Frumpkin jumps into his lap and rubs his head against his chin. “Well, I tried.” he murmurs and picks him up. “Let’s see if we can find some books in this place.” 

**********

The sun is high in the sky when Adin finally finds them both and leads them into the main sanctuary of the temple. 

It is a large room with a high ceiling and high stained glass windows in the colors of dawn. A large golden statue of a feminine figure with the wings of phoenix rising into the sky dominates the space behind the altar.

A stretcher has been set up in front of it and Astrid is lying on it, arms at her sides. She looks clean and peaceful. They washed and combed her hair. Clad her in a soft cotton shirt with a matching pair of trousers. Her face is still bruised, but at least there is no dried blood anymore. Her wrists and ankles are sore and bruised from the shackles that held her, the black maze of tattoos and scars on her arms is visible under the soft white sleeves of the shirt. Her hands… Her hands look horrible, maimed and wrong. Caleb swallows, tries not to hyperventilate again. Eadwul’s expression is cold and unreadable. 

Thara walks into the sanctuary, clad in ceremonial white robes with golden embroidery. She speaks a small prayer in front of the golden statue and then turns to Eadwulf and Caleb. “The ritual will take an hour. If her soul is willing, she will return to her body. It will be easier to get her back when she has something to return to. Please take her hands and talk to her while I do this. Tell her why she should come back, why it’s not time for her to go yet. If you mean something to her, her soul will be drawn to you.” 

Eadwulf takes her right hand, Caleb takes the left. Her fingers feel all wrong and he shudders. But then he weaves his own fingers through them anyway and holds on tight. For a moment his and Eadwul’s eyes meet and there is a silent understanding. They are the only thing she has left in the world and for now, getting her back is more important than whatever stands between them. 

Thara stands at the top of the stretcher. She places a large diamond on Astrid’s chest, places her hands over it and begins to pray. 

Caleb kneels down to be closer to Astrid’s ear and Eadwulf does the same. They start whispering to her, neither of them understanding the words of the other through Tharas prayer. Caleb tells Astrid about the good memories he has with her and Eadwulf, about their time together in the school, their first kiss, their first night together. He also tells her about the bad times, because she always made them easier to bear. He tells her about meeting her again in Rexxentrum, how good it had been to see her again. How he had so much still left to say to her, how they still needed her on the material plane, how they would be lost without her. Tears build in his eyes and he lets them flow. “Please come back to us.” he whispers. “Please. You are loved, you are needed. Don’t leave us behind. It’s the three of us against the rest of the world, remember?”

After an hour a warm light begins to spread from Thara’s hands, slowly engulfing Astrid’s entire body. 

Eadwulf and Caleb look at each other again, then at the lifeless body of their friend. Both hold their breath in anticipation. 

  
  


**********

She is floating in darkness. The absence of any light is nothing new, the absence of pain is unfamiliar. She feels weightless, disembodied and free. As if she is floating in warm water, drifting in and out of sleep. It is peaceful here in this void. 

Then there is a light behind her, beckoning. It feels warm and welcoming. But she knows that there is also pain waiting for her behind that light and hardship. It’s the place where they tried to break her mind, but managed nothing more than to break her body. And now her mind is free from that broken shell and the pain has ceased. She is free. 

In front of her there is darkness. And somewhere in the shadows a featureless white mask of shining porcelain framed by dark feathers, watching her through lightless black eyes. It feels cold, but in a reassuring way, like fresh spring water, like the first snow, like a hall of stone on a hot summer day. Rest is waiting for her out there in the darkness, no more pain, never again. It’s alluring. Tempting. She starts to move towards the darkness, but she realizes that two threads are holding her back, wrapping around her wrists, one amber one a dark midnight blue. They are frail and she knows she could easily snap them if she wants. But she could also use them as lifelines, to find her way back to where she came from, back towards the light. 

There is love there, calling for her, warmth and affection. In the darkness there is just nothing. The price for following the threads back into the light will be more anguish. The price for finding peace and rest in the darkness will be cutting those strings, and losing the feeling of being held and guided and loved. Was it really worth all of the pain to go back there? So many scars… 

A voice pierces her mind, cold but not cruel. 

_ Make your choice.  _

And so she does. 

**********

The first things she notices are that her whole body still hurts and that she is not shackled to a chair anymore, instead she is lying down on a hard surface. The fact that she wakes up in pitch darkness barely matters, there is something more important. She feels the arcane entropy around her and it feels like being able to breathe again after slowly drowning for a month. She tries to collect it, to channel it, but her hands don’t work properly. Right. They broke her body. 

She tries to get down from whatever she is lying on, and to stand up, but as soon as her feet touch the ground her knees give way and her legs buckle. Someone catches her before she falls, wrapping her into a tight embrace. For a short moment there is panic and she tries to break away but then he whispers into her ear. “Aster… Welcome back. It’s okay, you’re safe. You’re safe. I got you. You’re safe.” Eadwulf. She recognizes him now, how he feels, how he smells, his voice als hoarse and choked up with tears. She can’t remember the last time he cried in her presence. It’s too much. As much as she hates herself for it she feels tears streaming down her own face. She has dreamed about this countless times during her ordeal, foolish childish hopes, being held by him again. This is just too good to be true. She died, she remembers that in vivid detail. All the pain, the endless hours of solitude, the blade between her ribs. And now she just wakes up and he is here? Impossible. She must be dead. Is this what waits after death? 

If only she could see anything. “You’re not real.” she says, trying to calm herself. “You’re not real. You can’t be real. My mind is just making you up.” 

He picks her up like she weighs nothing. He has always been strong and she has lost a lot of weight. She puts her arms around his neck and just inhales deeply, trying to hide her tears from whoever else is watching. He begins to walk, carrying her. She hears several pairs of footsteps following them.

She feels fresh air around her bare feet and on her face and when she inhales it smells like summer. Her skin feels warm. The sun? If only she could see anything…

The air changes again, getting cooler and she hears several footsteps on stone tiles. A door opens. 

He lays her down on a bed, the linens are clean and soft and smell of sunshine. She feels him place something around her neck, an amulet on a chain that radiates a familiar abjuration magic. “Drink this.” he says and holds a cup of water to her lips. It is the best drink she ever had in her life and she lets it run down her throat greedily. She also feels a deep rooted hunger in her stomach, but there are more pressing matters right now. 

“Eadwulf.” she says. “My hands.” She holds them up in front of her unseeing eyes. 

An unfamiliar female voice speaks up. “We can fix your hands, but it will hurt. I suggest we wait until tomorrow, after you got some…” “No…” she harshly cuts the voice off. “Do it now. I need my hands back Eadwulf. I need… I need my magic… Please.”

“Shhh…” he strokes her hair. “It’s alright, I’m here and I will make sure you are restored. Thara.” she feels how he turns away from her. “I know that it was straining to get her back to us, will you be able to restore her hands today?”

The voice - Thara - answers. “Yes, but I’m serious when I say it will be painful.” 

“I don’t care.” Astrid huffs. “Just… Just do it. It can’t get any worse than…” she trails off, finding no words to explain what they did to her before she woke up here. Then she remembers something else. “What about my eyes?” she is scared of the answer, she does not want to be scared, does not want to be weak. 

“Coming back from the dead is a difficult undertaking. Sometimes there are some after effects. Your eyes are alright, and your vision will return eventually, it shouldn’t take more than a couple of days.”

Astrid nods. She has been in darkness for so long, a few days longer won’t be too bad. Especially now that she has Eadwulf at her side. He will make sure she is alright. 

“We have to break them again, so they can mend properly.” Thara again. She is closer now, taking one of her hands and inspecting it with her own. 

“Just do it.” she says. “Get it over with, I will hold still.” 

There is a “hmpf” from Thara that clearly says that she highly doubts that. 

Eadwulf climbs into bed behind her, leaning against the headboard so she can sit up against his chest. He puts his arms around her in a tight embrace. She knows that he does that to keep her from thrashing wildly, but she doesn’t care. His touch is all that matters right now. She needs the physical connection to be sure she’s not alone in the darkness again. 

Thara begins to give orders. “Adin, get some holy water, you will assist me. Astrid, I need you to stay calm while we do this. Do you want something to bite down on?” “No…” 

The cleric begins to work. 

Not seeing anything while having her fingers broken brings back bad memories, but Eadwulf anchors her. He strokes her hair and kisses her on the top of her head. “I’m proud of you.” he whispers and it is like they are pupils again and he cares for her after a particularly rough lesson. Tears well up in her eyes again, from the pain and from all the emotions that overwhelm her. It still feels like a dream. Maybe she is still in the cell. Maybe the fever is eating away at her mind, giving her vivid hallucinations. But what does it matter, really. At least they are good hallucinations. Even with the pain. 

**********

  
He has been staying in the background after she woke up. Watched how Eadwulf carried them to their chamber. Watched how Thara reconstructed her hands, feeling his heart clench when Astrid’s face twisted in pain, when she groaned and hissed. He can’t help but think about her deep under the earth, all alone, being tortured. She is brave, she has always been so brave and resilient. It breaks his heart. 

After it is done and she flexes her shaking hands, bending each finger with a slight smile he finally approaches the bed. “Astrid.” he says softly. “I’m glad you’re back with us.” 

“Bren.” she whispers and for the first time since he broke he is not bothered by that name. There is no mockery in her town, no cruelty, just a tender caress. Slowly, as not to startle her, he takes her hand and kneels down next to the bed. Her fingers close around his. “Bren.” she whispers again and reaches out to him with the other hand. He shudders when she runs her fingers through his hair. “You’re here...”

Adin returns to the room carrying a tray with a steaming bowl of soup, bread and tea. They carefully set it down on the nightstand. “You should probably take it easy and not eat everything at once. But you definitely need to eat it all.” 

They look at Eadwulf and Caleb. “It is late, if you don’t need anything else I will retire now and wish you a good night.” 

“That’s all Adin, thank you.” Caleb replies and gives them a little smile. 

Eadwulf gets up from the bed, pulls over one of the chairs and begins to help Astrid with the food. Caleb considers for a moment, then sits down on the other side of the bed. If Eadwulf wants to chase him away he is welcome to do so in front of Astrid. 

“How did you do it?” Astrid asks, her eyes still staring into nothing. “How did you get me out?”

Eadwulf looks at Caleb, a silent command. Then he begins to help her drink the soup and nibble some of the bread. Her hands are restored, but they are shaking and her arms are too weak to hold the bowl. 

Caleb clears his throat. “We didn’t…. Well we didn’t get you out alive Astrid. You died. We stole your body and got you back. Eadwulf came to me, seeking for my aid and I used my contacts in the Dynasty to get into the place where they kept you after…” he trails off for a moment, clearing his throat again. “You’re in the temple of the Everlight outside of Grimgolir. We teleportd here from Rosohna.” 

“Right.” she says between two bites, more to herself than to them. “Stabbed me. Said he was story. Weird…” 

Caleb opens his mouth to ask but then decides he really does not want to know the answer. Eadwulf throws him a chilling gaze. He figured it out as well, of course he had. 

They sit in silence for a while as Astrid slowly consumes everything on the tray Adin had brought them, and then asks for more water. The sun is setting outside, flooding the room with orange light. 

“You should sleep.” Eadwulf tells her, brushing some hair away from her forehead. “We will let you rest.” 

Her hand shoots up and she catches his wrist. “Stay with me, please. I’m cold.” 

Caleb notices how exhausted she looks. And haunted. He becomes painfully aware of the fact how much of a toll the last weeks have truly taken. 

She is probably terrified of being alone, although she would not admit that out loud. Especially alone and  _ blind _ . 

“We’ll stay.” he says, looking at Eadwulf with a deliberate glance. Eadwulf returns it with a frown, a look of discontent on his face. “No fighting.” she says, sensing the tension between them. “I mean it. I don’t know why you’re so pissed at each other but I don’t have the energy to deal with it tonight. Behave.” 

A couple of minutes later they both climb into bed with her, left and right. Astrid reaches out to both of them and pulls them closer, until they lie in a close embrace like they used to do, several lifetimes ago. Everything falls into place as if no time has passed at all and they are young again. Eadwulf’s hand rests on Caleb’s shoulder, he can feel the warmth on his skin. It’s surreal. Scary. Wonderful. Too good to be true. Way to fragile. He doesn’t dare move, out of fear that everything will just shatter, that he will wake up from this dream. 

Astrid falls asleep quickly, but Caleb and Eadwulf don’t. At some point their eyes meet. Neither of them says a word, as not to wake her. Caleb feels his eyes filling with tears and quickly closes them to shut our the world, but not before he catches a glistening in Eadwulf’s eyes as well. 

  
  



	6. I shudder when I think that I might not be here forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the darkness there is light, after the pain there is relief. I told you the only way from rock bottom is up, and even though this chapter starts with a bit of hurt and angst, the general direction is still towards the bittersweet light. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is from the song “All I Ever Wanted” by The Airborne Toxic Event.

_ Time has lost all meaning, down here in the darkness. She is alone and her only faithful companion is the pain.  _

_ Waking up in the darkness the first time has been a shock, feeling the cold metal holding her down with no recollection how she got here. They knocked her out very thoroughly when she tried to fight her way out. She is a very adept practitioner of the arcane, but even her strength runs out at some point and they had been too many for her to handle alone. _

_ And now she is here, and her life consists of darkness, torture and questions. They are asking her the questions over and over and over again. It’s always the same. She never replies but they don’t give up.  _

_ “What is your name?” _

_ “Who do you work for?” _

_ “What are you doing in the Dynasty?” _

_ “Why did you kill these men?” _

_ “Do you want the pain to stop?” _

_ “Do you want me to give you a quick death?” _

_ “You know that nobody is going to save you, right?” _

_ She stays silent, apart from the screams she sometimes cannot suppress when they hurt her. Or the laughter she throws at them in defiance to mask her growing desperation.  _

_ “I am truly sorry Astrid.” The gentle whisper, the soft touch. _

_ The blade between her ribs. The stinging sensation. No air in her lungs. The pain.  _

_ Suddenly she realizes that her arms are not shackled anymore. Her fingers are not maimed. That she can feel the magic all around her, pulsing and beckoning.  _

_ It’s still hard to breathe, something heavy is holding her down, she is trapped, on her back, and she still can’t see.  _

_ But she is not helpless anymore.  _

_ She reaches out into the darkness, gathering all the arcane energy she can grab a hold of, channeling it into her body, into her arms. Her ears pulse as her body becomes a vessel for pure and unbridled force and she keeps going, charging herself to the point of almost breaking. She holds it there for a moment, enjoying the familiar pressure, the pins and needles feeling in her arms, the white light behind her eyes.  _

_ She braces herself for the pain. _

_ And lets go.  _

_ ********** _

Eadwulf is used to rough awakenings. He had it all in the years of his career as a scourger. Triggered alarm spells, an explosion going on outside, someone screaming at him or someone kicking the door down to grab him while he slept. 

Being woken up by crashing into a wall is new though and he needs a moment to comprehend what happened. Something flies towards him and he instinctively brings his crossed arms up in front of him, casting a shield but it’s not strong enough for the arcane energy and he hits the wall again as it slams into his chest. For a moment all air leaves his lungs and he coughs, helplessly gasping for air. 

Astrid is on the bed, on her knees, unseeing eyes darting around wildly, the maze of tattoos on her arms brimming with electric blue energy. The air smells of ozone. Blood trickles out of her nose, over her lips, down her chin. 

He sees Caleb on the other side of the bed, shakily getting to his feet and holding out his arms, ready to cast. His eyes are wide and he is bleeding from a cut on the side of his head. 

“Get away from me.” she yells. “Get away from me or I will disintegrate every cell in your fucking body.” 

Eadwulf looks over at Caleb, then at Astrid again, makes a gesture. Caleb nods. 

“I want to help you.” he pleads, a little louder than necessary to draw her attention. “Please calm down, let’s talk. I don’t want to harm you.” She turns towards him, following his voice. 

Caleb weaves his magic, releasing it right as she is about to hurl more deadly force at Eadwulf. She goes limp and falls to her side on the mattress. They both jump at her simultaneously, Eadwulf pinning down her arms, weaving his fingers into hers, swinging a leg over her, straddling her hips between his thighs while Caleb kneels above her, trapping her head between his knees, his hands close to her face, ready to interrupt any verbal casting attempts if he has to.

They have learned about this together, a long time ago. How to take out a spellcaster without severely harming or even killing them. Restrain their arms, their fingers and their tongue. Simple in theory, a matter of precise timing and coordination in praxis. It all clicks into place. 

It doesn’t take long for her to break free from his hold spell and she buckles underneath them, kicking her legs at nothing. He notices how easy it is to hold her down. She lost a lot of her strength when she was imprisoned. “Astrid!” Eadwulf’s hands grab her wrists even harder as he shakes her a little. “Aster! Stop! You’re hurting yourself.” 

She lets out a guttural scream of terror and anguish and Caleb looks at him in horror. There is nothing they can do. So they hold her until her strength runs out, until she goes still underneath them, shaking slightly and breathing heavily between choked sobs. 

“It’s okay, I’m here.” Eadwulf leans down and kisses her gently on the lips, tasting her tears and her blood. 

“Wulf?” her voice has lost all of the vitriol from before, she sounds disoriented and tired. “Yes.” he whispers. “I’m here. And Bren, he is also here.” He looks over at him, Caleb releases her head from between his knees, gently stroking hair out of her face “Yes.” he says. “I’m here. You’re not in that terrible place anymore, you’re with us.” Eadwulf lets go of her wrists and gets down from her, giving her space to curl up into a ball, arms wrapped around her knees. 

“I’m sorry.” she whispers. “I’m sorry. I thought I…” 

There is a loud hammering on the door suddenly, and a moment later Adin bursts in, looking around the room with a mixture of shock and outrage. The furniture that has been pushed against the walls, the cracks in the wood paneling where Eadwulf has crashed into the wall, the tangled bedsheets speckled with blood. 

“It’s fine.” Caleb tells him, sounding calm and reassuring. “It’s fine. Just a nightmare. As you said, coming back from the dead can be disorienting. We got this.” 

Adin hesitates for a moment, then nods and leaves, muttering something to themselves under their breath. Caleb sits down on the edge of the bed, looking down at Astrid, placing a hand on her shoulder. Then he looks up. 

Eadwulf recognizes the look on his face. He is concerned and angry, seeing the woman they both love reduced to a pitiful mess of fear and weakness is sickening. She has always been so strong and so brave. They have never seen her break down like this. Caleb is visibly scared that she broke for good, and he is as well. 

It is in that moment that he realizes he needs Bren, because she needs him. She needs both of them to recover from this. He does not think he can do it alone.

If she is willing to still see their old friend behind the face of that strange new man with the familiar features and voice, he will try to do the same. For her. And maybe… Just maybe he can lie to himself enough to believe it too, for the time being. They will go their own separate ways soon enough and this will never have happened. Why not give into the nostalgia for a little while. 

He and Caleb untangle the sheets as good as they can and coax Astrid to drink some water. He takes care of the cut on Caleb’s forehead, patching it up as good as he can with the supplies at hand. They wipe the blood out of Astrid’s face. Then, finally, they climb back into bed with her. His chest hurts where her magic impacted, his back hurts where he crashed into the wall. His heart aches for his friends. 

He reaches out and takes Bren’s hand. 

Eventually they all fall asleep again.

**********

The awakening on the following morning thankfully happens without wild bursts of magic or being flung through the room. Caleb opens his eyes and looks over at his sleeping friends, realizing Eadwulf still holds his hand. A moment later his friends open their eyes as well, Eadwulf meeting his and Astrid’s still unseeing. 

“Good morning.” He says. Eadwulf detangles his fingers from his and sits up, Caleb does the same. He wants to touch Astrid again, stroke the hair away from her forehead. But he can’t bring himself to do it. Now in the light of day the dull aching is back, the longing, the loneliness, the hesitation. He is scared to break the fragile peace. 

“I think I can help you with seeing again, until the problem fixes itself I mean.” he says to break the uncomfortable silence. “And how would you go about that?” Eadwulf asks with a frown. 

“Have you ever summoned a familiar Astrid?” She shakes her head. “Never saw much sense in that.” she says. Her voice is hoarse. He sighs but decides not to comment on that. “I will teach you. Let me get some supplies. But first breakfast. Will you stay with her Wulf?” 

He leaves the room and heads towards the kitchen. It’s a beautiful morning and the grounds are already populated by several acolytes going about their day. The smell of lavender mixes with the scent of freshly cooked breakfast.

He piles up food on two big plates and also gets a pot of tee with three cups. He carries it all back to their rooms on a borrowed tray, savoring the sun on his skin. 

When he enters Astrid is sitting upright in the bed, Eadwulf next to her, holding her hands. “Are you hungry?” he asks her and she shakes her head. 

“That’s a pity, because you are going to eat something anyway.” Caleb says, setting the tray down and Eadwulf gives him an approving nod. 

It takes a while, but they manage to get her to eat enough to satisfy them for now. She looks pale and exhausted. 

“Do you feel strong enough for some basic spellcasting?” Caleb asks. Her smile is a bit shaky, but it’s definitely there. “Yes. Yes I’m ready.” 

He goes over to his satchel and gets his spell components, the spare ones he doesn’t keep in the pouch at his belt. Then he unclasps the spellbook from it’s holster and opens it to the right page, placing it on the bed next to Astrid before sitting down on the edge. 

In the next hours he gently guides her hands as he teaches her the new spell, under Eeadwulf’s watchful gaze. They burn incense and herbs in a bowl and she speaks the incantations after him. It feels good to work with her, even though Eadwulf is watching them like a hawk. It reminds him of their days of study together. Helping each other out with difficult spells or theories, practicing together until it all made sense. It was the happiest time of his life. 

An hour later a snake rises from the ashes, gently sliding up her arm and settling around her neck. It has a striking coloration of red, yellow, and black bands.    
  


Caleb tells her what to do and Astrid’s eyes cloud over, the snake looks at them intently with a flickering tongue. 

Her smile grows wide and there are tears in her blind eyes, as the snake watches from Eadwulf to Caleb and back at Eadwulf. She pushes herself up from the headboard and gives Caleb a tight hug. “Thank you.” she says. “This is better.” 

The snake around her neck becomes her constant companion as she slowly begins to explore her new surroundings, taking her first shaky steps in this newfound freedom. 

**********

They start taking short walks around the temple gardens which turn into short hikes in the hills around. It’s a beautiful summer, full of light and blooming trees. 

Sometimes Caleb asks himself if he should somehow contact his friends, tell them where he is, that he will stay for a while. But he discards the thought every time. They will contact him should they need him.

He wonders how Eadwulf justifies staying away from his duties for so long, if he has contacted the Assembly, if they know he’s here, who’s with him. In the end he decides it’s none of his business. They are here, all three of them, together under a stunning blue sky and for now, life is good. 

They become closer as the days go by, sometimes they even talk about their youth, sharing stories and indulging in sweet nostalgia. They still call him Bren and he doesn't care anymore. When he is with them it’s his rightful name, no matter how much pain and guilt is associated with it.

Astrid still has frequent nightmares, but they never turn as bad again. She usually just wakes up screaming and thrashing around, without hurling magic at them. They hold her, they calm her down. They manage. They don’t talk about it in the morning. They move on. 

During the second week her eyesight slowly returns. Only light and shadow at first, but she improves fast and after five days she can be found in the garden, reading a book Caleb got her from the small library. She looks healthier and doesn’t wince anymore at any sudden loud noise. He watches her from a distance, does not want to disturb the peaceful scene. 

He notices Eadwulf standing next to him, watching Astrid with a look of relief he also feels in his chest. He decides to be brave and reaches out his hand towards his shoulder. This time he does not snap at him. Instead he takes his wrist and pulls him into a close hug. 

They stand like that for a long time, neither of them noticing the snake that has wrapped itself around a nearby branch, watching them intently, nor the tears in Astrid’s overclouded eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s possible that the next chapter will take a bit longer to be published, since I’m attempting to write a bit of smut for the first time and I have no idea what I’m doing.


	7. I think I might have inhaled you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing lasts forever, it’s time to say goodbye very soon. But not before the trio shares some much deserved intimacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally wrote some smut folks! It’s my first time, so feel free to let me know what you think, I’m still figuring it out. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is from the song “Bloodstream” by Statless, which I listened to a lot while writing it.
> 
> This chapter begins with one of my favorite Zemnian poems (my native language). It has been on my mind constantly while writing this fic so I decided to include it.  
> I couldn’t find a translation of it, so I poorly attempted one myself. 
> 
> TW: There is some NSFW content later in this chapter, although I won’t go into very descriptive details of genitals, keeping it more to flowery descriptions. Everything is consensual

Bist Du so müd? Ich will Dich leise leiten   
Aus diesem Lärm, der längst auch mich verdross,   
Wir werden wund im Zwange dieser Zeiten.   
Schau, hinterm Wald, in dem wir schauernd schreiten,   
Harrt schon der Abend wie ein helles Schloss.

  
Komm Du mit mir. Es soll’s kein Morgen wissen,   
Und Deiner Schönheit lauscht kein Licht im Haus..   
Dein Duft geht wie ein Frühling durch die Kissen:   
Der Tag hat alle Träume mir zerrissen, –   
Du, winde wieder einen Kranz daraus.

(Rainer Maria Rilke)

Are you so tired? I will guide you quietly  
Out of this noise, which has long since chagrined me too,  
We become sore in the constraint of these times.  
Look, behind the forest, in which we are walking with a chill,  
The evening already awaits like a bright castle.

You come with me. No tomorrow shall know,  
And no light in the house will listen to your beauty...  
Your scent floats through the pillows like a springtide:  
The day has torn all of my dreams asunder, -  
You, go wind a wreath from them again.

(Rainer Maria Rilke)

**********

The day after the embrace with Eadwulf Astrid finds Bren in the small temple library. He is browsing the bookshelves and turns around when he hears her footsteps behind him. There is a small smile when he sees her and he looks relaxed. Way more relaxed than when he visited her in Rexxentrum a couple of months ago. It’s good to see him getting better. 

Part of his hair has escaped the tie again and frames his face. She’s not sure if anyone ever told him how attractive it looks on him, he certainly doesn’t hold himself like someone who knows how beautiful he is. Not anymore. 

“Astrid.” he says, still smiling. “Looking for more reading material? You’ll soon have read them all.” 

“No actually. I…” she looks around for a moment. Decides that the space does not provide enough privacy. “Let’s take a walk?” He nods and puts the book he has been flipping through back on its shelf, then follows her outside into the bright afternoon sun. They walk between the flower beds in silence for a while. He patiently waits for her to start a conversation, his eyes wandering over the blooming garden. 

“I wanted to thank you.” she says finally. “For getting me out of that place. I owe you my life.”

He stops and turns around to her, his hand reaching for her arm. “Astrid.” he says earnestly. “You don’t owe me anything.” There is something in his eyes she can’t quite read. Guilt maybe? 

“Oh Bren but I do.” she replies with a sly smile. “You don’t get to decide.” He regards her with a frown. “Fine.” he says. “But I didn’t do it to get anything out of it. I did it for you.”

She sighs. “I know. You’ve always been better than me when it comes to… selfless acts.” He opens his mouth to disagree, but she shakes her head. “Don’t.” she says. 

“How are you holding up?” he asks instead. “You’re sleeping better, or at least calmer. But…” she notices that he is rubbing his arms for a moment, but pretends she didn’t see.

“I’ve been down there a couple of times.” he continues. “I got a look at how… dreadful it is. How cruel. I can’t even begin to imagine…”

She interrupts him. “ Professional risk.” she says with a deliberate neutral expression on her face. “I knew what I signed up for. Let’s not talk about it, please.” 

“Alright.” he agrees after rubbing his arms again. “Alright.” 

She gets closer to him and gently kisses him on the cheek. “It’s okay Bren. I know you are worried for me, but I can take care of myself now. You already did so much for me. You have your own demons to fight.” 

**********

In the following days they continue to explore the surroundings of the temple, straying further from it with every passing day. One afternoon when they are out hiking a thunderstorm gathers above the land and they watch it from the safety of Bren’s dome. They lie on a blanket, Astrid in the middle, Bren on her left and Eadwulf on her right. Astrid reaches out to them and takes their hands. 

They have walked for several hours and Astrid hasn’t asked for a break once, only stopping when the others needed to rest. They all know what that means, but they don’t say it out loud. Right here, right now, all that counts are the elements above them and the affection between them. They hold hands, lost in their own individual thoughts. 

Lightning bolts race across the sky, followed by shattering thunder. Eadwulf and Bren notice that Astrid does not flinch at the sudden loud sound anymore. Another harbinger to herald the inevitable. Their time is running out. 

When the rain stops and the clouds give way to a magnificent rainbow, they leave the dome, gather their things and head back towards their refuge. 

**************

That night they find themselves in front of the fireplace. There are half eaten plates of food strewn about the floor and also an empty bottle of wine. They started a small fire, not to heat up the room too much, just for the atmosphere. The warm flickering light makes Bren sleepy and he stretches out on the bear pelt for a while. Astrid is sitting in an armchair, reading a book and Eadwulf is just sitting there, watching them both through half closed eyes. 

They have learned how to be relaxed around each other again, just exist in the same room without having to pretend, to hide, to deceive. The silence isn’t awkward or uncomfortable, it is soothing. It’s like the evenings they spend in the dormitory together, only this room is bigger and more luxurious and they don’t have to be afraid of being caught sneaking into each other's rooms. 

Without speaking a word Eadwulf suddenly lifts his hand and entangles it in Bren’s hair, which is fanned out on the pelt he is dozing on. It’s a familiar touch and it sends shivers down his entire spine. Using his fingers, intertwined in his hair near to his scalp, Wulf slowly pulls him up into a seating position, coming closer, his eyes fixed on his. 

Bren barely dares to breathe at that sudden display of intimacy, following Eadwulf’s movements obediently until he is on his knees before him. 

He slowly starts to unbutton Brens shirt with his free hand, pulling it off his shoulders to expose his chest, then tugging it further down until he slips out of it completely. 

With a gentle touch of his fingers he traces the small mess of scars over his rips, where he once burned his skin with a glowing blade, caressing them for a moment before his fingers wander up, finding a scar above his collarbone where he once split his skin with a metal hook. He circles it once, and then moves on. One by one he finds all the scars he ever caused, touching them, acknowledging them, without missing a single one. Bren shivers, goosebumps spreading over his torso, his arms. When Eadwulf has found all the scars on his upper body he pulls him to his feet. He lets go of him, just for a moment, to get rid of his own shirt. 

Bren notices that Astrid has been watching them the entire time, a hungry look in her eyes. The book is no longer in her hands, it sits abandoned and forgotten on the floor next to her. 

Eadwulf leads him towards the bed, giving him a sudden shove to make him fall flat on his back, immediately getting on top of him pinning his wrists down next to his head. His face hovers very close to Bren’s now and he longs to kiss his lips, trying to lift his head enough to connect skin to skin, but Eadwulf stays just out of reach, holding his gaze with a wicked little smile. 

Astrid is suddenly next to them. She continues to undress him while Eadwulf still holds him down, until he is naked and exposed. 

Astrid leans over and kisses Eadwulf, condemning Bren to watch helplessly, almost exploding from tension and longing. A helpless moan escapes him and she laughs, it sound’s wicked and triumphant. There is a darkness in her he didn’t encounter when they were still young. It intrigues him, it scares him, it excites him.

She pulls off her shirt, throwing it to the floor. 

He is seeing the burn scar in its entirety for the first time, the scar he inflicted on her when he broke. It reaches down from her neck to her shoulder, almost down to her elbow. For a moment his mind threatens to take him to bad places, bad memories, but there are so many scars on her body now. And the three of them are here, alive and together, reunited. So he pushes everything aside and concentrates on his arousal and his desires. It’s surprisingly easy now he is around them. He drinks their sight in with eyes wide open, how beautiful they are in the flickering firelight. He longs to touch them, but he is not allowed to. Eadwulf shifts, effortlessly pinning his wrists down with one hand above his head. 

He strokes Bren’s cheek with his now free right hand, coaxing his lips to open and then shoving two of his fingers into his mouth. 

Desperate for any kind of physical stimulation Bren begins to suck on them, but Eadwulf pulls them out a moment later and uses his now wet fingers to circle Astrid’s nipples, making them go hard. She kisses him again, her hand on his neck, passionately and hungrily. Eadwulf entangles his free hand in her hair to pull her closer. And Bren can do nothing more but watch. 

And so they keep teasing him for a long time keeping him close, but never close enough to saturate his hunger. They kiss and touch each other, but their touches for him mainly serve the purpose of keeping him from joining them properly. 

Astrid and Eadwulf lose the rest of her clothes, flinging them into the room without regard. Nothing matters in this moment, nothing that is outside of the bed they slept in together for so many nights. They know each other well, how and where to touch each other, how to tease and coax the other into getting what they want. 

Bren feels like he is going insane. He is on his back again, Astrid has taken over in holding his wrists and Eadwulf is slowly placing kisses on his chest, working his way upwards until his face is right above his again. He feels like he is going to break into tears soon if he does not get any release. Astrid chuckles. “Look at him Wulf.” she whispers. “I almost forgot how hot he looks when he falls apart under his own arousal. I think he is going to cry.” 

Eadwulf looks him directly in the eyes. “Do you want me?” he asks. Bren almost chokes as he answers. “Yes.” “Ask for it.” “Please…” he whispers. “Fuck me.” 

Their lips finally connect and the intensity of the kiss makes his head spin. He greedily pushes forward and after a moment Astrid let’s go of his wrists and he reaches up, wrapping his arms around Eadwulfs neck, desperately holding on. He feels Astris pressing against his back as she joins their embrace. He feels her teeth on his neck and moans, as she slides one seeking hand between his and Eadwulf’s body…

Everything begins to blur together into an elaborate dance. When they first started to explore their sexuality together it was new to all of them, slowly exploring each other and their desires. They are way more experienced than him now. So they guide him where he is insecure and teach him what they learned in the years without him. They assemble like a perfectly cut puzzle, and this time there are no missing pieces. 

At some point, as they are entangled on the bed he notices that the snake is wrapped around the headboard and looks at him intently. Bren, a bit puzzled, stares back into it’s tiny eyes until Astrid, whose eyes are closed, grabs his hair and pulls his head down to kiss him. 

And for the rest of the night, even Bren forgets how much time has passed. 

**************

They have known that this moment will come eventually, that this summer can't last forever and that their responsibilities and choices will make it impossible to spend more time like this in the future. 

Caleb has to go back to his friends, his new found family. Eadwulf and Astrid have to go back to the capital, probably facing a lot of questions and possibly punishment. Bren still hasn't asked. He does not want to know.

They say goodbye to Thara, thanking her for all she has done for them. Bren insists on sharing the cost for the diamond and the generous donation Eadwulf makes to the temple. Astrid is visibly uncomfortable, she can’t do her part, since she lost all of her belongings in the Dynasty. (Eadwulf tells her that she shouldn’t worry about it, and that she will need the money she has back home to create a new spellbook from her backup copy anyway.)

They hand the money over to Thara and she gives all three of them a firm hug. 

They also said goodbye to Adin, who has always been around to help them out if they needed something. 

And now they are back in the room they shared for all those nights, the room where they slowly mended and healed old and new wounds, and rebuild the connection between them that has once been so strong. 

They don’t talk much. They have gathered what little belongings they brought with them and are ready to depart. 

For a moment they just stand there, in the middle of the room, before they come together for a tight embrace. They hold each other for a long time and when they eventually let go and step back Caleb feels a lump in his throat and he knows he will break into tears if he will try to say anything now. Words won’t be able to explain what’s going on inside his heart anyway. And since he sees his feelings echoed on their faces there is no need for words. 

He follows the instructions Eadwulf has given him, carefully moving his hands and fingers in the required pattern speaking the incantation. Magical energy gathers around him, a swirling pattern of force. 

He catches one last look at his first found family, sees how Eadwulf reaches out to put an arm around Astrid as they watch him go.

The familiar vertigo sets in.

And then the room is gone. 


	8. Headed somewhere better, If I have to crawl there on all fours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small outro, or rather two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was uncertain how to end the story, so I wrote down both versions that were spooking through my mind. The second ending takes place a couple of days after the first.
> 
> The title of this chapter is from the song “Exegetic Chains” by The Mountain Goats

Catha is beautiful tonight, a perfectly round beacon of light in the night sky over the famous Dusk City of the Dynasty. 

He walks slowly, giving himself some moments to admire the otherworldly beauty of the Firmaments. Bioluminescent plants glow in the gardens of the luxurious buildings that line the streets, a weird reversed echo of the blooming temple gardens. 

He still has a couple of days left before he is expected to take his friends to Rexxentrum and there is something he still has to do. He owes an apology and an expression of gratitude to someone. He feels numb after being forced to say goodbye to his past once more and longs for someone who is as tainted and broken as himself. Someone who understands. Just for a little while.

He doesn't have to pay attention to his steps, they take him to his desired destination as if he walked this path a thousand times before. And in a sense he did, in his mind. Thinking about coming here, seeing what will happen. Ever since he learned about the location of the three towers. But he never found the time or the courage to got there all by himself. Tonight that is all in the past. 

He arrives and walks up to the door. Knocks. Waits. It doesn’t take long until it swings open this time. His heart hammers in his chest. 

He lifts a hand in greeting, smiling sheepishly and not saying anything. He just waits. 

Essek gently floats aside, making space for him to enter. 

**********

The sun hangs low in the sky, painting the sky and the city in the shades of fire. When he arrived in the Chateau he found it to be fairly abandoned and was pointed towards the beach.    
  
He stands on the edge of the dunes now, looking down onto the sand and the glistening water. His cat jumps down from his shoulder and begins to explore, strolling forward. 

An eclectic array of people is occupying the scenery in front of him.

A beautiful red tiefling woman and a bespectacled halfling man sit on a blanket, talking to each other and watching the others.

A blue tiefling in a summer dress is building sandcastles together with a bearded half-orc.

A tall woman with black and white hair carries a small halfling boy on her shoulders, while a slender woman with an undercut and spectacular abs carries another halfling whose hair is braided and decorated with buttons. They are bouncing through the waves, playing some sort of game that involves splashing water at each other and a lot of screeching and laughing that is carried to him on the warm summer wind. In a safe distance from their chaos a large firbolg with pink hair peacefully floats in the water, a serene smile on his lips. 

His cat is racing towards the shore now and when the blue tiefling sees it approach she jumps to her feet, spots him on the dune and begins to run towards him with open arms. The half-orc spots him too and begins to wave. The halfling on the shoulders of the tall human points at him and yells something to the others and they begin to emerge from the water.

Caleb smiles and slips out of his boots, feeling the warm sand underneath his bare feet as he begins to walk towards them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me to the end. Writing this story was tons of fun and surprisingly emotional. I feel so much for these lost and broken kids and I will miss them. Who knows, maybe I will return to them in the future if the right idea comes along. 
> 
> Thank you for your comments and your kudos, they gave me huge amounts of motivation and warm fuzzy feelings. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. <3 Kudos and comments always cheer me up.
> 
> I’m also always happy to chat about all things CR, find me on twitter or tumblr as @PryingBlackbird


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